Please Don't Pick Me
Satire alert. Does anyone want to be Kamala Harris's running mate?
Our NSA source has again provided the transcript of conversations between Kamala Harris and prospective running mates over the weekend.
Note to Facebook, which censored my last satire. Repeat, this is satire. But there is a lot of truth here.
The secretary heard Kamala Harris’s famous cackle as she approached the large, thick door to her office in the Old Executive Office Building late on a beautiful Saturday morning. Given how the Vice President treated her, she’s pined to be outside on the Mount Vernon bike trail. A cold front swept through Washington, DC, the previous evening, temporarily relieving the city of its customary late July oppressive humidity.
Harris’s Chuck Taylor-sneakered feet were up on her desk. She spoke to her husband, Doug Emhoff, on the phone when the secretary entered. Saturdays have always been a regular work day in the White House, especially during election years, if more casual.
“I’ve got to go. I’m getting calls from suiters!” Harris bubbled as she sat up, hung up the phone, cackled again, leaned forward, and folded her hands on the desk, grinning at her assistant. “Yes? Is someone on the phone for me?”
“Yes, Madam Vice President,” the secretary answered. “Governor Whitmer from Michigan is on the phone.”
Kamala giggled and glanced at the clock and the printed schedule on her desk. She looked up, cocking her head quizzically. “I thought we were scheduled to talk later today?”
“You were, but she’s calling now. Her assistant refused to explain why.
“Okay, is that her on the blinky thing on my phone?” Harris asked, peering at her phone like a buzzing wasps nest.
“Yes, Madam Vice President,” the secretary responded. As Harris waved her off, she turned and exited the room.
Harris punched the blinking button. “Gretchen, is that you?”
“Please hold for Governor Whitmer,” the assistant to Michigan’s second-term Democratic governor responded. Harris was irked but patiently waited, strumming her fingers as she counted the seconds.
“Madam Vice President, congratulations!” boomed the female voice on the phone. “I’m so happy to see the response to your coro - cough, cough - nomination!” Whitmer said, catching herself.
“Thank you, Gretchen; it’s so nice to hear from you. You know, we were scheduled to chat later today. Is there a problem? Is it anything to do with your cough?” Harris asked. “Please tell me there’s not another kidnapping attempt to worry about. I get so upset when I hear what almost happened to you, and then there’s my friend, Jussie Smollett. It’s all Trump’s fault.”
“Oh, no problem at all,” Whitmer said. “But with all the media reports swirling, the rumors, and the calls I’m getting, I thought it would be better if we talked sooner.”
Whitmer took a deep breath. “I’m about to release a statement removing myself from consideration to be your running mate, and I wanted to give you the courtesy of a heads up.”
Silence.
“I’m surprised to hear that,” Harris said, furrowing her brow. “You’re an obvious candidate with a terrific record as Governor. Look at how you handled the COVID issue! Being vice president seems like a logical next step in your progression, and you’re so good on the abortion issue. We’d make a great team,” Harris said, clearly disappointed. “I wish you wouldn’t issue a statement. Just including you in this process is a big help to me.”
“Well, Madam Vice President, after six years as Governor, I want to finish the job I’ve started and don’t feel ready for the national stage yet,” Whitmer muttered. “I also have the option of running for a third term here, unlike most states. I hope you understand. You should pick someone like Senator (Mark) Kelly of Arizona. I don’t think America is ready for a ‘girl power’ ticket yet, and Senator Kelly has such a great resume.”
“Well, Gretchen, I’m not sure I fully understand, but I respect your wishes. Mark would be a fine choice, and I’ll speak to him and a few others over the weekend. I’m grateful you called. If you change your mind, let me know,” Harris said.
“I will do that, Madam Vice President. I need to run, but you can count on me to put Michigan over the top for you in November. See you at the convention next month!” Whitmer hung up the phone before Harris could respond.
Kamala held the phone away from her ear and stared at the receiver. “That was weird,” she thought. The secretary suddenly burst into the room again.
“Madam Vice President, Governor Shapiro is on the phone, line three,” she said, as Harris looked at her phone and saw two “blinky things.”
“I see two blinky buttons,” Harris noted. “Who is on the other line?”
“Oh, that’s Governor Andy Beshear of Kentucky, but you told me you’re not interested in speaking to him just yet,” the Secretary responded.
“I can take only so many white dudes in one day,” Harris said. “But I’ll talk to Josh - see, I knew his name,” Harris said, glaring at the secretary. “And he’s from Pennsylvania. I was just there recently, and I’ve studied the maps. I got this.
“Yes, Madam Vice President,” the secretary said as Harris blurted, “that is all.” Harris brushed her away with her left hand as she reached for the phone. The secretary scurried out of the office, closing the door quietly behind her.
Harris took a deep breath and smartly punched line three with her right index finger. “Governor?” Harris asked.
“Please hold for Governor Shapiro,” the female assistant said as she heard the clicking sound to indicate she was being put on hold. Harris was again irked at waiting for people she felt should be on the phone for her. She didn’t have to wait long.
“Madam Vice President, Josh here, congratulations on your coro - I mean, nomination!” Shapiro said, repeating what Whitmer had said to Harris moments ago.
“Hello, Josh, great to hear from you. Thanks for that great trip to Reading Terminal recently. That was a lot of fun. How are we looking in Pennsylvania after all that’s happened recently?” Harris asked.
“Yes, Madam Vice President, that was a terrific visit, and I’m committed to seeing you carry the Keystone State this fall,” Shapiro gushed. “Whoever is on the ticket with you, which is what I want to talk to you about,” he added with a worried voice.
“I’m listening,” Harris responded, leaning back in her chair.
“I am honored that Attorney General (Eric) Holder has asked for background materials so you can consider me your running mate,” Shapiro emphasized. “Of course, we’re assembling them, and I will provide them as soon as possible. But I wanted to personally convey one big glaring difference between us that we need to discuss. It might disqualify me from consideration.”
“Oh, you mean fracking,” Harris quickly responded. “No worries! I just changed my position. I didn’t even know what fracking was. I had no idea that 600,000 Pennsylvania jobs depended on it or about that huge Shell - what do they call it, a ‘cracker plant’ - near Pittsburgh, which means so many jobs, all based on fracking. See there, I fixed it!”
“Thank you, Madam Vice President, that’s a relief, but that’s not the issue,” Shapiro responded. “It’s about prosecuting Catholic clergy who sexually abused children over the past several decades.”
Harris gulped.
“I think we should have a conversation about that,” Harris responded with one of her trademark lines. “Or my view that convicted felons should be allowed to vote? I will change that, too - anything to help win Pennsylvania.”
“None of that, Madam Vice President,” Shapiro responded. “A decade ago, I found over one thousand victims of at least 300 clergy over 70 years and aggressively pursued, exposed, and prosecuted as many as I could. So many other cases went unreported or weren’t pursued by victims and their families. Then there was the statute of limitations,” Shapiro said, almost as if he’d rehearsed it. “I also know you confronted the same issue when you were San Francisco’s district attorney and responded . . .” he paused, “. . differently.”
“Yes, I know,” Harris said. “I’ve already been whacked for not prosecuting a single abusive priest in the San Francisco diocese. Josh, I was protecting the victims. They all pursued civil suits against the diocese and sent it into bankruptcy, just like most of the victims in Pennsylvania. Besides, how many actual convictions did you or federal prosecutors get in Pennsylvania?
Shapiro sighed. “Madam Vice President, I protected the victims, too. I redacted their names in the grand jury’s report that I made public. Your office didn’t even issue a report. While most of the media is on our team, I’m afraid that response won’t do and would put us both in a difficult situation.
“I’m confidentially reaching out to you to ask that you not select me as your running mate,” Shapiro declared. “It’s not just the Catholic clergy scandal, although that’s huge. I was just elected as governor less than two years ago. Other than getting that I-95 bridge collapse fixed in 12 days, I haven’t gotten shit done yet,” referring to the profane motto for his governorship.
“You’re not about to send out a statement to that effect, are you?” Harris quizzed, Whitmer’s conversation still fresh on her mind.
“Hell, no,” Shapiro said. “I won’t do anything to embarrass you. I’m happy to let this play out in the way that benefits you best. I don’t mind drawing favorable attention to Pennsylvania through this, and it might help you with voters here, too.”
“Well, I appreciate that, Josh,” Harris responded with relief. “I’d like to keep you in the mix and hope you’ll keep an open mind. You might make a difference in your state and maybe others. We need to save our democracy from Donald Trump, and we all need to do whatever it takes.”
Silence.
“Well, you know what I mean,” Harris added. “Not THAT,” she proclaimed, nervously cackling.
“Thank you, Madam Vice President,” Shapiro deadpanned. “I don’t need any reminders that the shooting at Trump’s rally happened in my state. And speaking of that, go easy on the gun control issue if you choose Senator Mark Kelly. I know the whole story about his wife, Gabby, who was critically shot in Arizona back when she served in the House, but Pennsylvania is a huge pro-gun state.”
“Josh, I hear you, and I’m willing to change my position on almost any issue, but that one will be tough,” Harris deadpanned.
“Let me interrupt you,” Shapiro quickly responded. “I’m not asking you to change your position, whatever it may be, just go easy. Remember, the first day of deer hunting season here is a school holiday in much of the state. And the same is true in much of Michigan and Minnesota, by the way, and probably other states. I bet most members of my legislature, including a few Democrats, are lifetime members of the NRA.”
“I got it, Josh, and thank you,” Harris responded. “Really, a school holiday to hunt deer? Please tell me there’s no photo of you going deer hunting.”
Shapiro laughed nervously. “It’s a school holiday and much more in a lot of the state, and no, I may be the first governor to get elected here without a photo of me going hunting,” Shapiro said. “Voters would have seen right through it. It was tough enough going after ghost guns when I was attorney general.
“Fishing photographs, yes, but I ain’t messing with a school holiday for the first day of dear season,” Shapiro declared. “And I don’t want my Jewish faith and heritage getting in your way, either, given the dynamics of the Democratic base right now. I don’t want to trigger more protests in Chicago next month. We don’t need another 1968.”
“Josh, I’m married to a Jew, so that’s not a problem with me,” Harris responded, waving her hand as if to brush off the issue. “But I’m sorry about all those #GenocideJosh tweets I see. That’s unfair to you and all of us. I’m bending over backward to help Gaza, and Netanyahu isn’t making it easy for us.”
“Neither is Doug’s daughter raising money for Hamas sympathizers,” Shapiro shot back. “I’m sorry, Madam Vice President, that was unfair. I apologize.” Shapiro cracked a smile, knowing he was taking himself off the ticket, which was his objective.
Harris’s secretary burst into the room, hustled to her desk, and handed her a note. “Sen. Kelly line 1,” it read.
“Governor, I’ve got Mark Kelly on the other line. Mind if I take that?” Harris asked. “I hear you, and we’ll continue the conversation. I am so grateful for your friendship and support.
“Oh, and one last thing,” Harris said. Would it help me to be photographed deer hunting in Pennsylvania?”
Silence.
“Thank you, Madam Vice President, and please give the Senator my best,” Shapiro concluded, hanging up the phone.
Harris punched line one on her massive landline phone without removing the headset from her left ear. “Mark!” she yelled, leaning back in her chair. She and Harris became friends during their brief time together in the US Senate, just before Harris was sworn in as Vice President.
“Please hold the line for Senator Kelly,” Harris heard over the phone. She angrily reached for her pen and pad, scribbling a reminder that she should tell her secretary not to take any more calls unless the principal was on the call first.
She finished her note as the phone clicked. “Madam Vice President, Mark here, congratulations,” Arizona’s junior senator said. “I’m looking forward to helping you win the great state of Arizona this fall.”
“Mark, thank you; how’s Gabby?” Harris responded. “I’m sorry that our service in the Senate only overlapped, what, a month or so? But congratulations to you on all your electoral success. Only in the Senate for four years, and you’ve been elected twice! It was fun swearing you in for a full term early last year. I don’t know of many others who’ve had that experience.”
“Tim Scott is the only one I know,” Kelly said. “But no matter, I understand we’re scheduled to talk now, and I’ve been looking forward to this. I’ll convey your best wishes to Gabby.”
“Mark, I was originally calling to ask for your permission to be considered as my running mate, but I hear Eric Holder has already gotten a hold of you,” Harris responded. “You have a great personal story, being an astronaut and career Navy combat pilot and all that. You’ve made it through two tough elections in a swing state. Barack Obama also speaks very highly of you. His opinion matters to me.
“I hope you’re going to go through the process with Eric, you know, submitting your tax returns and questionnaire responses and whatnot?” Harris asked, painfully remembering Whitmer and Shapiro didn’t want to be picked.
“Madam Vice President,” Kelly said, “Gabby and I are honored, but there are better candidates than me. I must admit that I was looking forward to taking a break this election cycle and burrowing into my work in the Senate, especially since we’re transitioning to a new Senate colleague from Arizona this fall.”
“Yes, I know!” Harris proclaimed, remembering that Kelly’s colleague, the iconoclastic Democrat-turned-Independent Kyrsten Sinema, was stepping down after a single six-year term. Democratic Congressman Reuben Gallegos is slightly favored over Republican former talk show host and Trumpist Kari Lake. “Tell me that Reuben is going to keep that seat. And tell me that you’ll go through the process with me of choosing a running mate.”
“Well, Madam Vice President, Reuben’s running a good campaign,” Kelly quickly responded. “I’ll go through with this veep process, but I’m worried that parts of my record will hurt you. The unions are mad at me because I’ve not cosponsored the PRO Act—you know, the bill that makes it easier for unions to organize. The businesses in my state are very concerned about it tilting the playing field unfairly.”
“Mark, just say you’ll vote for it if it comes up,” Harris advised. “You don’t have to cosponsor it. I’m changing my positions all the time now, surely you can do this, too. I know Arizona isn’t a big union state, but unions are a big part of our coalition and critical in states like Michigan and Pennsylvania,” Harris said.
“That’s good advice,” Kelly said. “But I have another problem, and that’s with a high-altitude surveillance balloon company I started a decade ago with a lot of money from China. Trust me, it’s not a good look after what happened last year.
“Yeah, we probably shouldn’t have waited until the balloon crossed the entire country before shooting it down over the Atlantic,” Harris said. “Xi said it was a weather balloon. I guess he was wrong.”
“Look, I won’t say no if you want me to serve as the vice presidential nominee,” Kelly piped in, “but I’ll be honest with you, I don’t want the job.
Pause.
“I’m not issuing a statement or anything like that, and I’ll go along with the process, but ask that you look at other candidates. You have several excellent prospects, especially governors. I’ve just never aspired to this.”
“Mark, you would be a terrific vice president and a great contrast to JD Vance,” Harris added. “You’ve got real military experience as a combat pilot, unlike a ‘combat journalist’ like Vance, and you’re an American hero as an astronaut! You’re also very cautious, which I like in a vice president, and it helps that we’re almost the same height.
“Vance’s big mouth is already getting him in trouble with suburban women with his ‘childless cat ladies’ comment. It doesn’t get better than that, especially after what Gabby has gone through! And I think you can help keep Arizona blue. It would help take a little pressure off us having to win Wisconsin, Michigan, AND Pennsylvania, even though I intend to do that.”
“Madam Vice President, we’ll proceed, but please, let this cup pass from me,” Kelly said. “Gabby’s a little terrified of me going on the campaign trail in this election given what she went through and now the Trump shooting. It’s pretty polarized and emotional out there. But also, this will be a base election, and I don’t think I’ll help much with that, given my profile.”
“I hear you, Mark, but thank you for staying with me through this,” Harris said. “From what I’ve heard, your voting record looks pretty good, even where we’ve disagreed. I need some help with the veteran’s vote and need to look stronger on national security issues. You can help with that since I voted against many defense authorization bills in the Senate, and you’ve supported them all.”
Harris’s secretary quietly burst into the room again, almost running to her desk to hand her another note. “Gov. Beshear AGAIN on line 4,” it read. Harris shook her head violently and flung the note back at the secretary. “One second, Mark, I have to tell my secretary something,” she said. “I’ll call him back when I’m good and ready.” The wide-eyed secretary quickly turned around and scurried out of her office, again quietly closing the door behind her.
“Anyone I know? I hope it’s not the President!” Kelly chuckled. “Probably not,” Harris cackled, leaning back in her chair. “It doesn’t matter. But thank you again. Giving you and Gabby such a platform on the gun issue would be so positive not just for my campaign but for safer communities, especially after the phony Trump thing.
“Barack tells me that we need to shift the focus from the Secret Service to guns, where it belongs,” Harris added.
"Thank you, Madam President, I’ll follow up with the Attorney General (Eric Holder). Please remember my request not to be named, and let me know how else I can help.”
“You’re welcome, Mark. I'll be back in touch soon—perhaps sooner than you think.”
Both hang up.
Harris’s office door opens slowly as the secretary peers in. “Madam Vice President, General Holder is on the phone. Something about, ‘We have a problem.’ Something about a ‘lack of candidates.’” Line one.
So, Kelly, you are proving to be very perspicacious - Michigan and NC governors have withdrawn from the field. Well done!! Any guesses as to who’s next? 🤪
Funny stuff Kelly 😂😂😂