Trudeau, Biden, AMLO, and Another UFO
Trudeau, Biden, AMLO, and Another UFO
Our anonymous source provides another phone transcript between Biden and another "World Leader." Satire alert.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
“ARE YOU GOING TO ANSWER THAT?” Biden yelled from across from the Resolute desk in the Oval office. The door to the Oval Office was open as usually on Saturday when the President rarely happened to be in Washington, and the constant phone calls were annoying as he was catching up on his reading. And he was way, way behind. He preferred verbal briefs over having to read. He never liked to read.
“On it, Mr. President,” Susan Rice yelled as the Domestic Policy advisor grabbed the phone on the unoccupied staff secretary’s desk as she waltzed by. “Oval Office, Rice here,” she blurted.
“Hi, Susan, this is Justin. How are you?”
“Justin . . . who?” asked the quizzical Rice, the former National Security Advisor for President Obama.
“Oh, come on, Susan, it’s you’re old friend, Justin Trudeau.”
“Oh, Prime Minister, my apologies. I didn’t recognize your voice. I usually don’t answer the phone outside the Oval Office. You sound very husky today. Are you okay? Are you calling for the President?”
“You like my husky voice? I’ve been working on that today. And this balloon thing with China has put me in a masculine mood. The testosterone is flowing! Sophie really likes it. GRRR.”
Pause.
“Let me talk to him NOW.” Trudeau roared.
“Let me check to see if the President is available,” Rice said, her eyes rolling. “I’m sure he would love to speak with you.”
“Who is THAT?” Biden yelled from his desk. “Why are you answering the phone? Where’s my secretary?”
“Mr. President, it’s Justin Trudeau,” Rice announced as she walked into the Oval Office.
“Justin? Put him through! I bet I know why he’s calling,” Biden proclaimed. “Now, which damn button do I push?”
“I’ll take care of it, Mr. President,” Rice said, walking towards the desk and pushing line three. “He’s on.”
“Justin! Joe here; what can I do you for? How are things in Ottawa? Keepin’ those noisy trucks away from Parliament, I hope?”
“That was so yesterday, Mr. President,” Trudeau sighed, annoyed at Biden’s constant references to the January 2022 Trucker convoy that shut down Canada’s capital city for several weeks. “Just like your Capitol insurrectionists, we took care of that. At least we didn’t kill anyone.”
“So what do I owe this honor? Is this about what’s going on with NORAD the last few days?” Biden asked.
“YES!” Trudeau blurted, almost yelling. “Dammit, you and I were never informed by NORAD about the first balloon when it crossed into Canada and Alaska for two days! And the second one, you got to shoot down. It’s my turn! I need to be the one to order this new object shot down! I have an election coming up, too, maybe next year!”
“Yeah, I just heard about that thing in the sky. My Secretary of Defense is sitting here, and he mentioned they are scrambling another F-22 from Elmendorf to shoot whatever that thing is. Probably another of Xi’s errant weather balloons. Strange winds up there, must be climate change,” Biden pontificated.
“You want to send one of your F-14s?” Biden asked.
“We have F-18s, now,” Trudeau reminded him, “but there’s a problem with that,” Trudeau said. “I bought 25 of them, from Australia, but they’re all in the shop. They needed a lot of work. Now that they’re back to work after the pandemic, both our air force mechanics are working overtime to get them ready,” Trudeau explained sheepishly. “I’m happy to have your F-22 do the work, but I want to issue the order.”
“Doesn’t matter to me,” Biden said. “Happy to do you a favor. You order NORAD to shoot it down, and I’ll tell . . . what’s his name, my general here . . . to send the F-22 over to Yukon to take care of it. They’re on their way, anyway.”
“I really appreciate this, Mr. President,” Trudeau said. “My polling is in the toilet, and I’m catching grief for not being on top of incursions into our airspace. You’re getting all the action, and I want in on it. And being able to order a US Air Force jet is really cool! I need to look tough and decisive. Reporters are waiting outside my office now.”
“I get it,” Biden said. “And thanks for sending your Leopard tanks to Ukraine. They’re grateful.”
“We’ve only sent one so far, it’s all the room we had on our only cargo plane, but we’re happy to help. We have a lot of Ukrainian refugees living here,” Trudeau responded.
“You know, I had a pretty good midterm election. I think I’m pretty popular here right now, probably more so in Canada. What can I do to help?” Biden asked.
“Well, Mr. President, I’m catching grief for that, too, the fact that you’ve yet to visit your neighbor and biggest trading partner,” Trudeau admonished. “You’re always welcome. Barack, especially. We love him up here.”
“Too damn cold up there right now,” Biden said. “Maybe this summer. Go shoot down that thing in the sky before it wanders down to Montana, and I start getting grief again,” Biden finished. “By the way, I’m looking at how your government media subsidies work. You get great coverage, and they ignore your opposition. I want to do that here, but I’m not sure it’s necessary.”
“This is fun! Thank you, Mr. President. It was so nice seeing you in Mexico last month. I’m still frustrated that my staff wouldn’t let me be photographed wearing a poncho and a sombrero with AMLO (Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador) and you. I like to wear native attire when visiting foreign countries! Well, Adios!”
Both hang up.