The US Senate's "William Scott Society" Elects a New Chair
Our NSA source provides a recording of another secret meeting, this time in the US Senate. America has a new "Dumbest Senator," thanks to the people of Pennsylvania. Satire Alert.
Satire alert. But good luck separating fact from fiction.
Noise is heard of Senate catering staff removing dishware from the S-211, the Lyndon Baines Johnson room of the US Capitol steps away from the Senate floor.
All eyes turn towards the center of the long table as US Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-HI) raps the table with a sharp drop of her gavel.
“The Senator William L. Scott Society meeting will come to order!” Hirono enthusiastically intones. “Staff will leave the room (chairs are heard moving on the carpet protecting the Minton Tile floors, and doors opening and closing). She waits to begin the meeting until all staff has cleared the room, originally designed to be the Senate library, including catering staff. The door shuts as the final staff member leaves the room.
“This is our first meeting of the new 118th Congress, and we’re making history this evening. This is the first time we’ve had two distinguished members from the same state as members.
“We welcome not only our newest member, the Honorable John Fetterman, who is joining his senior colleague, our distinguished friend, Bob Casey, from the same great commonwealth of Pennsylvania as a caucus member. But we have great news. And I will let our vice chair, Sheldon (Whitehouse, D-RI), share it.
Whitehouse clears his throat. “As the vice chair of this group and the sole member of its nominating committee, a new Congress means it is time to elect a new chair. Now, normally, I would step up to the role. But the great start of our new colleague from Pennsylvania eclipses anything I may have done to earn the opportunity.
“But first,” Whitehouse interrupts himself, “since this is our first meeting of the new Congress, some may be unfamiliar with our namesake, the late, great US Senator Bill Scott (R-VA).”
Whitehouse continued: “Senator Scott only served one term during the 1970s. Still, the legendary Nina Totenberg wrote a detailed story published in 1974 in New Times, a now-defunct left-wing magazine, calling him the ‘dumbest senator.’ Demonstrating great political skill and judgment, he held a press conference in his Senate office to deny the scurrilous charge. He earned even greater news coverage and cemented his legacy. Today, we carry on that legacy.”
Senators clap
“But today,” Whitehouse continues, “this very night, I am proud to nominate our newest member, John Fetterman, as our new chair for this Congress.”
Senators clap and rise in a standing ovation as Fetterman, also rising and clapping, is confused until he gazes at his open laptop, realizes what’s happening, and quickly sits. Fetterman is still struggling with the after-effects of a stroke from nearly a year ago during his campaign for the US Senate. He uses a small laptop to transcribe words he can’t fully comprehend verbally, although he’s made progress.
“John has distinguished himself for two reasons. Three, even four, actually. We all applaud him for his courageous decision to seek help for depression, even though he started his Senate career missing over 60 votes. We also applaud his continuing recovery from the stroke few knew or learned about as he was winning the Democratic nomination nearly a year ago, thanks to the Keystone State’s sterling media. That’s an inspiration to us all. But that’s not why he’s being nominated,” Whitehouse continues.
“He is chosen, first, for his brilliant policy work, calling on the President to invoke the 14th Amendment, clause four, to eliminate this stupid debt limit. He brilliantly asserted on Twitter yesterday that that is why that clause was created just after the Civil War, primarily to ensure payment of debt incurred by the Union to defeat the Confederacy. And second, for his trailblazing attire here in the US Senate,” Whitehouse beamed, as Fetterman - attired in his trademark attire amidst business suits and St. John’s dresses - smiled back.
“John is making it work. Now he’s not the first US Senator to open the door to the chamber, dressed outside the rules, leaning in without stepping in, and casting an “aye” or “nay” vote. That honor, I’m told, belongs to our former colleague, Jeff Bingman (D-NM), who came up to the Senate chamber one summer day in 1995, sweat dripping from his t-shirt and running shorts after an outdoor run, and set a precedent. As a result, John never has to wear a suit again!
“I predict,” Whitehouse continued, “that every Democrat will be dressed in a hoodie, a pair of basketball shorts, and running shoes very soon.
“Of course, if John needs to speak, offer an amendment, or otherwise do legislative work in the Senate chamber, he’ll need to don a suit like the rest of us. But until, John, thank you for lowering Senate standards! Maybe we can finish the job and eliminate our dress code right after eliminating the filibuster!
Senators applaud as Hirona leans over to hand Fetterman the gavel. The Pennsylvania freshman rises to speak, looking at his laptop for guidance.
“Hi, good night, everybody; thank you for this honor. It has been an interesting few months. I am glad to lend my voice to the debate over raising the debt limit. It is exactly what is wrong with Washington! We cannot let extreme MAGA Republicans hold our economy hostage, in their efforts to reduce spending for our favored constituencies! That is why the President must follow the plain language of the 14th Amendment! Context doesn’t matter! And we must never require people on government assistance to work! Just so long as they vote correctly!
I don’t know who Senator Scott was, but he sounds like a pretty smart Senator to me. Even for a Republican. Thank you.”
Senators applaud as Fetterman sits. Senator Casey leans over to Fetterman and advises him to ask if there is any more business and if not, he might ask for a motion to adjourn.
“I move we adjourn!” Fetterman blurts, then gavels the meeting over. Senators rise as they applaud Fetterman again and begin to leave the room, staffers waiting in cars by the Senate’s carriage entrance to take them to their residences.