The House Risenhoover Caucus Elects a New Chair
Our intrepid NSA source comes through again with another secret meeting transcript, this time from a House society celebrating mediocrity in the House of Representatives. Satire Alert.
Satire alert, even though some - much - of the following is true.
“This meeting of the Risenhoover Society will come to order!” yelled US Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA), banging his gavel in the crowded US Capitol’s Rayburn Room. All its members were in attendance, requiring one of the largest rooms on the House side of the US Capitol, just off the House floor. The room is set theater style, with Johnson standing alone at a simple podium adorned with the official seal of the House of Representatives.
“Our vice-chair, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), will read our salutatory to our founder, the late, great Ted Risenhoover, that great Democrat from the once-great state of Oklahoma.
“As we painfully know,” Johnson quickly adds, “there are no longer any elected Democrats in Washington, DC from Oklahoma. I am baffled why that is, given our party’s commitment to a progressive agenda.”
“Mr. Chairman,” Rep. Ocasio-Cortez reminds Rep. Johnson, “this salutatory is actually from a Republican, former Senator Roman Hruska, from Nebraska. He spoke for all of us in the early 1970s when he arose to endorse President Nixon’s nomination of Harold Carswell to the US Supreme Court. Let us remember his wise words, spoken in 1970.
“Even if he [Carswell] were mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. They are entitled to a little representation, aren't they? We can't have all Brandeises and Frankfurters and Cardozos.”
“Mediocrities deserve representation!” the caucus shouts in unison, their motto. “Mediocrities deserve representation!”
Johnson, still standing, turns to the group’s historian, US Rep. Mary Gay Scanlon (D-PA), to recount the history of the late Rep. Risenhoover, who passed in 2006.
“Few today know the history of thrice-married Congressman Ted Risenhoover, so I’m happy to share it with many of our newer members. This is the first time we’ve met in a while.
“It began in early 1978 when the former Washington Star newspaper ran a scurrilous account of the Ted Risenhoover owning - dare I say it - a heart-shaped waterbed.” Oohs and ahhs are heard from Scanlon’s colleagues, assembled behind closed doors, with no media.
“Christine (Fang) had one,” US Rep. Eric Swalwell whispers to his California colleague and US Senate candidate, Katie Porter. She looks quizzically back at him, wondering why he told her that.
“Our dear former colleague defended his honor by renting a helicopter. He flew around his district, landing in rural eastern Oklahoma communities like Henryetta, to deny the report, even though most of his constituents were unfamiliar with the charges,” Scanlon emphasized. “We are here to carry on his great legacy of political genius.
“And our chair, with his famous concerns the Island of Guam could ‘capsize’ from a build-up of U.S. Marine forces, has expertly carried on Risenhoover’s powerful intellectual legacy,” Scanlon concluded.
“Thank you, Mary Gay,” Johnson said. “ The next item on our agenda is the election of a new chair. I have had the honor and pleasure of chairing this great society for the past decade, and thanks to development this very week, our nominating committee has come up with a stellar candidate to succeed me. I now yield to the representative from Missouri, the distinguished Cori Bush (D-MO), to move to nominate a new chair.”
“I thank the chair. After her stellar performance at a hearing of the House Select Committee on the Weaponization of the Federal Government, I nominate our distinguished colleague from California, Linda Sanchez, to assume the gavel as our towering new chair of the Risenhoover Society.”
While seated, Sanchez smiles as her colleagues rise in a standing ovation.
“I am nominating her, with the blessing of a majority of this great organization, for her brilliant inquisition of a treasonous FBI agent during a hearing of the illegitimate Subcommittee on the so-called Weaponization of the Federal Government. Earlier in the week, Sanchez had this exchange with an FBI whistleblower, Marcus Allen:
Sanchez: “Mr. Allen, have you ever used Twitter, yes or no?”
Allen: “I have utilized Twitter, yes.”
Sanchez: “And is your account @MarcusA97050645?
Allen: “Ma’am, that is absolutely not my account.”
Sanchez: “Okay, that is not your account. Well, on December 5th, 2022, an account under the name Marcus Allen retweeted a tweet . . .”
Allen: “That is not my account, ma’am.”
Sanchez: “You haven’t let me finish the question, sir. . .and the time is mine. On December 5th, 2022, an account under the name Marcus Allen retweeted a tweet that said, ‘Nancy Pelosi staged January 6th. Retweet if you agree.’ Do you agree with that statement, yes or no?”
Allen: “No, ma’am, that is not my account at all.”
Sanchez: “Yes or no, I am asking whether you agree with that statement.”
(Allen asks her to rephrase the question, which she does)
Sanchez: “Do you agree with this statement that Nancy Pelosi staged January 6th?”
Allen: “No.”
Sanchez: “Thank you. I yield the floor.”
Risenhoover Society meeting attendees leap to their feet again in admiration for Sanchez’s brilliant interrogation and “gotcha” moment of the disloyal FBI agent. Swalwell, himself nominated in the past for chair, jumped to his feet to second the nomination. A strong presence of California Democrats in the meeting seems to assure Sanchez’s ascension.
“I move we elect Linda Sanchez as chair of the Risenhoover Society by acclamation!” extolled freshman US Rep. Dan Goldman (D-NY), who also distinguished himself during the same committee hearing.
“Without objection, so ordered!” booms Johnson, his podium threatening to capsize after he slams the gavel atop the smallish tabletop. Again, everyone rises in a standing ovation as the new chair accepts the gavel from Johnson and takes a deep breath to make a few short comments.
“I am honored by the confidence you have expressed in me today. I was so proud of my colleagues for standing up for the new FBI, an FBI rooted in fighting for social justice, diversity, inclusivity, equity, protecting access to gender-affirming care for children, and access to abortion for everyone!” Sanchez says, interrupted again by applause. “An FBI that puts Democratic values first, that fights white supremacy, that battles the violence and tyranny of extreme MAGA Republicans who dare challenge our beloved public school systems, our teachers, and foment evil protests at school board meetings!
Risenhoover Society members rise to their feed and applaud wildly.
“An FBI that safeguards our democracy and values by infiltrating and rooting out extremism in churches and battles disinformation in the media. That is the FBI and Department of Justice that we all must fight to protect,” Sanchez exclaimed, again to wild applause and cheers. “And we must punish these so-called ‘whistleblowers’ for their infidelity, disloyalty, and acts of treason against our cause.
“And we must never stop protecting, defending, and improving the FBI. Their sister agency, the Internal Revenue Services, needs protection from the extreme MAGA Republicans who seek to eviscerate the new 80,000 agents they’re hiring to ensure everyone pays their fair share and to root out tax cheats!”
Muted applause.
“And don’t forget our sisters and brothers seeking refuge in our country from Central America and elsewhere. Thank you, Joe Biden, for sending US troops to the southern border to facilitate their entry! There is room for you in America! All of you!
Attendees rise to their feet again in applause.
“I don’t know who Ted Risenhoover was, but wherever he is, surely he is smiling at those of us who carry on his intellectual legacy and moral compass,” Sanchez concluded. “The chair will now accept a motion to adjourn.”
“So moved!” yelled about half the audience as the buzzers sounded five times to signify that five minutes were left on a roll call vote. Sanchez closes the meeting, this time without words, with a sharp rap of her gavel on the podium as all move through the small doorway leading towards the House chamber.
Sánchez is a total embarrassment to Californians.