Are Cancellations and Control Coming?
Satire Alert. Like the Prophetic Movie "Idiocracy," This is a Movie Coming to Your Neighborhood, and Soon, if Certain Voices Have Their Way. They're Already Here.
Ring, Ring.
“This is Kelly.”
“Mr. Johnston, my name is Paul with PayPal. Do you have a moment? This call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes.”
“Okay, whatever those are. To what do I owe the honor of this call today.”
“Mr. Johnston, we’ve noticed that you use PayPal to subscribe to various publications.”
“Yes, I know!” this blog's author said, “you’re promoting and advertising that - great service! The next time I change my credit card info, I need to do it once instead of waiting for those nasty emails that my annual charges can’t be processed, if I can even remember the passwords for all those sites. Very convenient.”
“Mr. Johnston, we’re calling to inform you that we are terminating your account effectively immediately. It seems that many of your subscriptions violate our terms of service,” Paul from PayPal unemotionally informed the author.
“Which subscriptions? What terms of service provisions? What, exactly, has been violated?”
“Well, Mr. Johnston, you subscribe to several Salem Media Group publications, including HotAir.Com and TownHall.com. Those sites feature authors who engage in hateful speech that may inspire violence against vulnerable populations, such as LGBTQ+-plus Americans,” Paul said, pausing.
“Sounds like your terms of service oppose freedom of expression,” Johnston retorted. Do you also ding me for my church contributions? Oh, wait, I don’t do those through PayPal. Oh, and by the way, I’m a Salem Media Group investor.”
“No, Mr. Johnston, we would never agree to process evangelical Christian church contributions that conflict with our values,” Paul quickly asserted. “But we noticed that you also subscribe to American Greatness, another site associated with hateful and violent conduct associated with events at the US Capitol on January 6th. And your email address, kellyjohnston-dot-reagan-dot-com? Reagan.com is also associated with the spread of hateful messages.”
“Like what, the plethora of Republican fundraising emails that pepper my account every hour?” Johnston asked.
“Oh, wait,” Johnston paused. “Did you check my Substack subscriptions? Do any of those violate your terms of service?”
“Oh, ABSOLUTELY,” Paul gushed. You have subscriptions to accounts by Christine Flowers. You know she was canceled by the Philadelphia Inquirer newspaper.” Other subscriptions, especially to Alex Berenson, violate our terms about vaccines. We know you signed the Great Barrington Declaration. And you downloaded the new Jason Aldean song, ‘Try This in a Small Town’ on Apple Music.”
“Yeah, Alex is a real journalist who has been proven correct about rMNA vaccines, and as for Christine Flowers, she’s still published by the Delco Times in my old hometown, not exactly a conservative newspaper, and she’s a prominent immigration lawyer! Problem, helping people immigrate to the US?” Johnston queried. “And I didn’t use Pay Pal to download the Jason Aldean song.”
“So, you admit to downloading it? You did use Pal Pay to buy tickets to the Iowa State Fair and attend the Jason Aldean concert there on August 20th, correct?”
Silence.
“Mr. Johnston, I’m sorry, but your account is canceled. There is no appeal. I’m sure you’ll find other ways to subscribe to your preferred content,” Paul read from his script. Kelly pulls the phone away from his ear and stares at it briefly.
Ring, ring.
“Well, Paul, I suspect you may be violating equal access laws, many of which are at the state level and rooted in the 14th Amendment, but I have another call coming in. I’ll consult with my lawyer and deal with you later,” Johnston announces as he hangs up in disgust.
“Hello, Kelly here.”
“Mr. Johnston, this is Amy from Chase Bank. This call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes. How are you today?”
“Not so great; I just had a Pay Pal account canceled and cannot figure out why.”
“Well,” Amy drawls, “That’s why I’m calling. I regret that Chase Bank is canceling your credit card account.”
“WHAT? For what possible reason? It’s not even my primary card.”
“Well, Mr. Johnston, it seems you used our card to visit the Silver Eagle gun range in Ashburn, Virginia, last weekend,” Amy noted.
“And your point is?” Johnston asked.
“Well, use of a Chase Bank credit card for purchases of ammunition and gun ranges violates our terms of service and our values,” Amy said unapologetically. “Pay Pal already bans its use for gun purchases, as does Stripe and Square.”
“Umm, I have a concealed carry permit. Owning guns is a Constitutionally protected right. I need to keep training on the safe use of my handguns and my rifles. It’s a public safety issue, and I don’t mind USING MY FUNDS to stay current.” Johnston was starting to raise his voice.
“Well, Mr. Johnston, the promotion of violence violates our terms of service and our values at Chase. I’m sorry, but your card has been canceled. You are still liable for any past charges, but you cannot use the card for any purpose in the future, and all the benefits of our card are terminated immediately,” Amy read from her prepared text. “Have a nice day,” Amy concludes as she hangs up.
Kelly pulls his phone away from his left ear and stares at it in disbelief.
Ring, ring.
Afraid to pick up the phone, Kelly hits his iPhone's “answer” button.
“Kelly here. Who is canceling me now?”
“Mr. Johnston, this is Peter from Dominion Energy of Virginia, how are you today? This call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes.”
“And, to what do I owe the honor of your call today,” Johnston asked.
“Congratulations on purchasing your new home in western Loudoun County, Virginia. I know your contract is pending and haven’t closed on purchasing your new home yet, but we will be delighted to serve you as your electric power company,” Peter gushes.
“Yes, I was aware of that,” Johnston said. You’re my primary electric power provider now here in Arlington, Virginia. I hope you prove as easy to work with at my new home as you were with my condo. I’m puzzled why you’re calling to congratulate me. No doubt my electric bill will increase in my larger new home, so there’s that.”
“Well, Mr. Johnston,” Peter begins slowly, “under Virginia law enacted under former Governor Ralph Northam (D-VA), whenever a single-family home changes hands, they have to meet new energy efficiency standards. Your home needs upgrades to meet state law.”
“I’ve never heard of such a thing,” Johnston said. “What are you talking about? This is a private property transaction, and existing home sales are grandfathered from new codes and standards. I know that much.”
“Actually,” Peter said, “that's not quite true anymore. Given new Biden Administration rules on gas stoves and many other appliances, including ceiling fans, whenever a house changes hands, they must commit to a plan to meet those new standards.
“Your new home has propane fuel for the fireplace, furnace, water heater, and stove. You will need to commit to a plan to replace dirty propane for any device inside your home,” Peter said. “Furthermore, none of your ceiling fans meet the new Biden Administration requirements for energy efficiency.
“It’s for your health, you know,” Peter added. “We are committed to the health and safety of our clients.”
“2023 began with federal regulators targeting gas stoves, but we have since seen a host of other proposals going after washing machines, refrigerators, dishwashers, ceiling fans, water heaters, and others. They are all part of the Biden administration’s prioritization of the climate change agenda over the interests of consumers. Each runs the risk of boosting appliance prices, limiting choice, and compromising performance,” said Ben Lieberman, Senior Fellow, Competitive Enterprise Institute. “And cumulatively, they add up to substantial headaches for homeowners that will only grow in the years ahead.”
“They not in effect yet! They’re just proposed!” Johnston yelled into the phone.
“I’m actually not finished, sir, if I may. Consistent with past Virginia legislature votes to adopt California energy standards, you will also need to install at least one electric vehicle charging station inside your garage,” Peter added. “Now, mind you, we are talking about a conversion plan - you won’t need to do all this immediately, but I strongly advise you to plan for it. You will have until the end of 2025 to get that done.
“I think you’re full of it,” Johnston blurts. “There’s no way you or any entity can impose that on me. I’m getting on the phone with Gov. Glenn Youngkin (R-VA) right after I’m done with you. And besides, the very stupid ban on new gas-powered cars Virginia Democrats are imposing doesn’t take effect until 2035 if a better General Assembly doesn’t repeal it in the meantime!”
“I’m sorry to surprise you, but if income is a problem, we have assistance programs available to help,” Peter adds. “But I see the price of your new home is well above our assistance levels. I’m sorry about that. But we as a company are committed to meeting the challenge our climate crisis demands.”
“What happens if I don’t comply?” Johnston asks.
“You will be subject to daily energy surcharges after the date by which you are required to comply,” Peter says. “I don’t recommend that.”
“Thank you for the reminder why I need to vote Republican for Virginia state assembly and Senate this fall,” Kelly adds. “Juan Pablo Segura for State Senate. Surely your company has contributed to his campaign? Is most of your company’s contributions going to Democrats or Republicans?”
Silence.
“This is all about our climate crisis, Mr. Johnston,” Peter adds. “Surely you understand.”
Silence.
“The climate of western Loudoun County is fine. But the climate of West Virginia is looking better by the second,” Johnston says.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Johnston, but we don’t service West Virginia.”
“Yes, I know,” Johnston says as he hangs up the phone.