Team Biden Plots Shutdown Pain - With Exceptions
Satire alert. Drawing from the Obama 2013 Government Shutdown playbook, the Biden presidency is plotting how shutdown will punish the GOP by making it painful - but not for everyone.
Satire alert courtesy of our anonymous NSA source, who records everything.
ROOSEVELT ROOM, THE WHITE HOUSE
The President’s Chief of Staff, Jeff Zientz, bursts into the White House’s Roosevelt room on a warm and sleepy August afternoon as several mid-level aides - mainly chiefs of staff - from cabinet and independent agencies amiably chat. Zients, the only one in a suit when the rest are casually dressed or out of Washington on vacation - including the President - sits in the chair usually reserved for the commander-in-chief.
Zientz ceremoniously dropped a sizeable three-ring binder on the table with a loud thud as he quickly sat. “Welcome, everyone. Thanks for taking time away from your vacations to be here,” he dripped with sarcasm. Everyone notices the glamorous photo of Barack Obama on the notebook’s cover.
“As you no doubt know, House Republicans are woefully behind in passing their 13 appropriation bills to fund government operations beginning October 1, when the new Fiscal Year begins,” Zientz said. “The Senate, thanks to Majority Leader (Charles) Schumer, has done nothing, building leverage for the negotiations that will ensue when both chambers are back in Washington on September 11th or 12th. That will give them only a handful of days and, in the process, hand us a golden political opportunity.
“This folder is the playbook from the famous 2013 government shutdown during the Obama Administration when then-Republican Speaker John Boehner faced a similar rebellion that Speaker McCarthy is now facing from his “Freedom Caucus.”
“Looks like they’re free of any intelligence,” one agency chief of staff smirked, drawing chuckles from others in attendance. “How predictable is this?”
“Our strategy during the Obama Administration, many of which you will remember, was to shut down as much as possible to pressure Republicans to either cave or rely on Democrats. It worked,” Zientz emphasized. “Every shutdown since and including the famous Holiday shutdown of 1995 and early ‘96 accrued to Democratic benefit. Bill Clinton went from losing control of Congress for the first time in forty years in 1994 to a comfortable reelection in 1996.
“Happy Holidays, again!” barked an aide from the Department of Defense. “Except nothing at the DoD is likely to be affected by a shutdown.”
Zeintz glared at the politically appointed senior aide to Secretary Lloyd Austin. “That’s not entirely true. Not everything at DoD is exempt. And I expect you to devise a plan on what we can shut down that will reflect poorly on House Republicans.
“For example,” Zientz’s intense glare at the aide continued while opening the three-ring notebook to a bright red tab. “During the shutdown during the Obama second term, several things were closed with the DoD, and nobody was paid, even active duty soldiers,” Zeintz stated. “Let me read to you from a shutdown memo from Trump’s Deputy Defense Secretary, and guess where he got this from?”
“Get that? All paychecks stop. Weekend guard duty and all reserve training stops. We do what we must to defend the nation, of course. And they will know - must know - who is responsible for their paychecks not showing up.
And deployments? I know National Guards people, and their deployment in Djibouti, at the horn of Africa, is scheduled to end soon. They stay. Their replacements will have to wait. Their families will need to know why this is happening. Show them a photo of House Republicans. I want photos of kids crying about why their mothers and fathers aren’t coming home. Other deployments that meet important political - excuse me, national security - objectives will be fulfilled.
Oh, and by the way, DoD’s policy on funding abortion and abortion-related travel will continue - health remains a top national security priority for birthing people in our Armed Services,” Zeintz said. “And don’t you DARE touch aid to our valuable transgender servicepeople,” Zeintz pointed at the aide.
Silence.
“You,” Zientz pointed, “from the Veterans Administration, all GI and medical benefits except for emergency services end. And no one at your agency gets a paycheck, including you. All of you,” Zeintz said, scanning the room. “And that includes me."
“Again, we’ll include abortion and transgender services under our emergency health exception,” Zeintz added. “The President has not better see a report about a single person seeking gender-affirming care being denied on our watch. There will be hell to pay, and it won’t be from me.”
Silence.
The chief of staff from the Department of Agriculture meekly raised her hand. “Umm, how far are we going to take this? We provide anti-hunger assistance - Supplemental Nutrition Assistance - to some 40 million Americans, plus a few million more participating in the WIC (Women, Infants, Children) program. Are we suspending payments to them, too?
“Yes,” Zeintz emphasized. “At least you tell them we must because of the government shutdown. “WIC program money goes to states so they can decide whether to pick up things. It will be fun to see red-state governors squirm.
“What about food safety inspectors?” The Department of Agriculture aide asked as the Food and Drug Administration’s chief of staff, sitting next to her, nodded vigorously. “They’ve always been exempt from past shutdowns.”
“They won’t be paid immediately but will be expected to show up. We can’t be shutting down thousands of food plants when we’ve not done that before, and many of these plants have loyal union employees, especially Teamsters and the United Food and Commercial Workers Union,” Zients added. “We exempted food safety inspectors to protect our important allies, and this is no time to disrupt the food supply. People might blame us, not the House Republicans, and we can’t have that.”
A junior aide from the National Park Service, the only career employee in the room, raised her hand. “I presume you want us to redeploy the Obama 2013 playbook, where we shut down every monument. That’s typically not been done at open-air monuments like the Lincoln and Jefferson monuments, but we know what to do.”
“Good,” Zeintz said, glaring again and leaning into his response. “Do it. Barricades and all. Sell it as a public safety issue.”
Zientz took a deep breath, noting the time on his Apple watch.
“I need to run, but let me summarize things this way. You know why we’re doing this, using this shutdown to emphasize just how many Americans, and how much, they all rely on government services. Social Security and Medicare benefits. Food stamps. Passport renewals - which stop, except for the calls we get from frantic Democratic Members of Congress for their favored constituents - railroad retirement, veterans benefits, and not to mention the two million civilian federal employees.
“Over half of Americans rely on federal services for their livelihood or important benefits - federal pensions, free or subsidized school lunches, Medicaid and Medicare, food stamps, and so much more. This is how we maintain and keep political control over our subjects - er, our citizens. We will use this shutdown, mandated by our opponents, to remind them. And Republicans, who never seem to learn from history, are forcing its repeat, served on a golden platter. To us,” Zientz emphasizes. “God, they’re so stupid.”
“One final question,” interjects the Department of State’s purple-haired chief of staff with a transgender flag pin on her blouse. “What’s the end game here? What does success look like?”
Zientz did not hesitate. “Joe Biden’s reelection. And four more years to finish the job we started in the Obama Administration. But you raise an important issue. What are we doing to drive home the political consequences of this shutdown? We’ve already been working with our trusted allies at the Associated Press, Gannett, and many other media outlets and others to emphasize how House Republicans and their allies are working to dismantle and gut government. You’ll see stories over Labor Day weekend. And they’ll proliferate.
“And it sets the stage for the next major initiative - the climate emergency - just before the 2024 election. We can turn “vote from home” into a movement and a moment to remember. The time we cemented a permanent Democratic majority.”
Zientz’s administrative assistant meekly opened the door and announced that Jill Biden - Dr. Jill Biden - was on the phone for the President’s chief of staff. “I have to run; meeting dismissed,” as he rose from his chair. “I expect your shutdown plans to be on my desk by Friday after Labor Day. Don’t be late. If we do this right, Republicans will cave by Veterans Day. And President Biden and Democrats will climb in the polls.”
The meeting was dismissed.