US Senator Meghan Markle
Satire alert. Gov. Newsom takes calls from Oprah Winfrey and Meghan Markle over filling California's newly vacant US Senate seat. Thanks to our NSA source for this transcript.
Satire Alert.
Saturday afternoon, September 30, 2023, Office of the Governor of California, Sacramento.
Knock, knock, knock.
“COME IN,” Governor Gavin Newsom loudly moaned as he looked up from the wine he was sampling, a 2014 Merlot from Napa County and a gift from Garen Staglin, whose winery was the location for the famous movie, “Parent Trap,” starring Lindsay Lohan, Dennis Quaid, and the late Natasha Richardson.
He swirled his glass, inhaled slowly and deeply through his nose - nice - exhaling gently through his mouth. Newsom was an expert at tasting wine. He then drew a slow, deep sip, checking the “legs” on the Rosenthal wine glass as he gently swirled. He nodded approvingly and slowly reached with his right hand to refill.
Staglin wines never disappoint, Newsom thought, especially as he waited to see if the federal government might shut down at midnight, something he hoped might be averted. California leads the nation with over 142,000 civilian federal employees, followed closely by Virginia and Maryland. He didn’t think much about active-duty military personnel stationed in the Golden State.
Staglin has since focused on his “One Mind” initiative on mental illness and writes for Forbes magazine on diversity, inclusion, and equity. He was also a board member of the now-failed Silicon Valley Bank and is a major Democratic donor. And Newsom loves his wines, which he stops by to sample in Yountville on his frequent visits to the nearby French Laundry restaurant.
One of his front office assistants - he struggled to remember her name - slowly opened the door and leaned in with news. “Governor, Oprah Winfrey is returning your call. Line one.” She quickly exited and shut the door as Newsom heard the phones ringing non-stop outside.
Newsom takes a deep breath, grabs the landline with his left hand, and smartly punches line one, leaning back as he reaches for his wine glass. “Oprah! How nice to hear from you! How are you on this fine Saturday afternoon?”
“I’m doing well, except I’m tired of these phone calls from people like Hillary Clinton and Chuck Schumer who think I should replace Diane Feinstein in the US Senate,” Oprah grudgingly intoned.
“But before you interrupt, Gavin, let me tell you that I’m not interested. The last thing I want to do is fly back and forth to Washington, DC, on a puny $174,000 annual salary and hang around with Ted Cruz in the Capitol,” Oprah sneered, her eyes rolling while mentioning the junior GOP Senator from Texas.
“Well, that’s why I was calling,” Newsom admitted, “to see if you were interested. You’d be fantastic. I haven’t read your new book yet, but wow, you would raise the combined IQ of that place by 10 points.
“And you don’t have to hang around Ted Cruz,” Newsom laughed. “There are 98 other Senators, most of whom I think you would like. Liz Warren (D-MA) is such fun! She’d take care of you. And don’t forget about Bernie! Patty Murray (D-WA) is President Pro Tem! She practically runs the place!”
“By the way, Gavin, I’ll send you an autographed copy of the book, “Build the Life You Want,” which I co-authored with my new friend, Arthur Brooks. You should read it, especially as you contemplate your future,” Oprah added.
“But Oprah,” Newsom sneered. “Isn’t Brooks a . . . Republican?”
“You know,” Oprah responded, “I never asked him. Conservative, sort of maybe, but wow, so smart and insightful, with great ideas. This is not a political book. We had a great time with it. I’m focused on that now; I’m not interested in going to Congress, even for 13 months.
“But I do have someone else for you to consider. Hear me out,” Oprah quickly extolled.
“Okay, I’m disappointed, but I’m all ears,” Newsom said.
“Meghan Markle.”
Silence.
“Funny you mention that. Some of my younger staff came to my office yesterday with that suggestion. She’s controversial, which might cause a row with Great Britain, where I know she’s not popular.”
“GAVIN,” Oprah almost screamed. “I know Meghan. She is not only a friend but a neighbor. She completely shares your political philosophy. She’s California through and through, a successful actress known and loved by so many.”
“Thanks, Oprah, that means a lot, but is she willing to take the job for just 13 months? We have a primary to replace Diane - God rest her soul - with three good candidates, and I’ve promised to replace her with a caretaker. I owe that to Adam Schiff, Katie Porter, and Barbara Lee, the three congresspeople running to replace her.
“And a black woman, am I correct?” Oprah inquisited.
“Absolutely, there are no black women in the US Senate right now,” Newsom confirmed. “But Meghan doesn’t have a strong public service record in the black community.”
“Oh, POPPYCOCK, Gavin, she is the perfect symbol of victimhood from a multi-generational hierarchy that rejects her fresh, progressive, multi-cultural, modern approach. She’s the perfect candidate - I’m sorry, replacement - and think of the money she can raise! Such a gifted communicator! Every endangered Democratic incumbent will be screaming to have her visit their states. Instant name ID! Gavin, WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE ABOUT THIS? You benefit politically, too! Nationally! Think about it!
“She would be an inspired choice. She can raise money for you, too, you know.”
Silence.
“I will think about it,” Newsom softly responds. “Seriously, I promise. Her being married to a British prince complicates things.”
“She’ll be calling you momentarily,” Oprah announces. “I’d take her call and offer her the job. If you feel inclined, she will meet with you to discuss this. Maybe Harry will be with her. It’s not like he’s ‘in’ with the Royal Family.
“Two for the price of one!”
“Okay, Oprah, but let me know if you change your mind about serving. You’d be a fantastic Senator,” Newsom appealed.
“Not a chance, Gavin,” Oprah laughed. “Senator Meghan Markle. I’m telling you. Have a good weekend, Gavin.”
Oprah hangs up as Newsom stares at the phone in his left hand, reaching for his wine glass with the other.
Knock, knock, knock.
“YES!” Newsom yells, staring at the door, still holding the phone as he gently lowers the crystal Rosenthal wine glass.
The same assistant slowly and quietly opens the door. “The Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, she’s on the phone!” the assistant whispers loudly, her eyes wide with astonishment. “Line three.” She rushes a card to Newsom’s desk, quickly pirouettes, and runs out of the cavernous office as she shuts the door behind her.
Newsom stares at the blinking light on his landline. He raises the phone to his left ear as he slowly, ever so slowly, reaches for line three, but not before taking a swig from his wine glass.
“Meghan! Gavin here,” he announces, phone up to his left ear, reclining and simultaneously brushing back his hair with his right hand, reading the note card left by his staff. “So nice of you to call. To what do I owe this honor? (Glances at his note card) How’s Harry, Arch, and Lilibet?”
“Governor!” Meghan drawled dramatically, emphasizing his title, “it is I who am honored that you would take my call on this beautiful Saturday afternoon. How is your family? Harry is sitting here with me, playing with our children. He’s so cute! We really should meet up with you at the French Laundry one of these days.”
“We’re great, Meghan; your ears must have been burning. I was talking to our mutual friend, Oprah, about you. She sings your praises, so much so she thinks I should name you as Diane Feinstein’s replacement in the US Senate through the next election.”
Markel audibly gasps. “Oh, Governor, do you mean it? She suggested me? Ahhh, I’m SO humbled and honored! She is the one who would make a fine US Senator. We need her so much in Washington!”
“I agree, Meghan,” Gavin responded. “She, however, is not interested. Are you?”
“Oh, Governor, I am so HONORED that you would ask. I know you must have all kinds of super-qualified black women under consideration. It would be an imposition on our lifestyle here in Montecito, but it is a sacrifice I’m willing to make. I would never turn down my president - oh, I’m sorry, my governor - for the opportunity to serve my beloved California in the US Senate,” Markle dramatically responded, almost as if she was on the set of “Suits.”
“Well, Meghan, I am taking lots of recommendations, but I have to act quickly. We now only have a one-seat majority in the US Senate, and one of them is under federal indictment. Sen. Schumer wants me to move quickly now. I will probably decide by Monday. I do think Diane deserves a little time and respect,” Newsom said. “But not too much.”
“Governor, I completely understand,” Markle emphasizes. “Perhaps I can make a trip to visit with you in Sacramento or your home in San Francisco, or maybe you’d like to make a quiet trip to Montecito and visit with us at our home. We can invite Oprah over, too! Make it a family affair! I’m happy to talk this through,” Markle said. “I can have your favorite wine on hand! Garen sent me his latest Cabernet, and it is SO GOOD.”
“Let me think this through, Meghan, and I’ll let you know by early next week. Any travel would certainly get noticed by the media. I think we can do this via Zoom or by phone. I feel like I know you well already,” Newsom said.
“You know this job is temporary, right? I’m looking for a caretaker who won’t seek election in 2024,” Newsom reminded Markle.
“I understand, Governor, but you know,” she drawled slowly again, “circumstances can change. There is so much to do! So little time! The people of California should have the ultimate decision, but I’ll take the job on your condition. Just know the conditions and circumstances can change,” Markle added. “It’s really out of our control.”
Silence.
“And please know, if President Biden changes his mind, I’m all in on helping elect you as President. You’re the man - the person - we need at this time,” Markle emphasized. “I would do fundraisers all over the country for you.
“We would make a great team. I can do this role!”
“I’ll be in touch, Meghan; thank you. Thanks again for letting me know of your interest.”
“God bless you, Governor, and God bless the people of California,” Markle concluded. Both hang up.
Great piece. This is satire, isn't it? We're talking about California where satire becomes reality almost every day.