Schumer, Trump Conspire on "Indictment"
Our anonymous NSA source comes through again with another blockbuster phonecall transpcript. Satire warning.
Donald Trump held up and switched glances between a driving iron and a wood driver, one in each hand, from the back of his golf cart on the par four sixth hole on a sunny March morning at Mar-a-Lago. It was a beautiful Tuesday, but the warm gusty winds blowing in from the Atlantic led him to opt for the driving iron. He might not get the distance, but at least the ball would stay on the fairway, resistant to gusts and crosswinds. The humidity was down, so that would help.
Trump’s partner that morning was US Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), a frequent guest. An anxious Graham was trying to speed up the game to catch a flight to Washington for possible floor votes that afternoon. He knew that missing an inconsequential vote or two for time with the 45th President probably wouldn’t hurt with too many South Carolina Republicans, especially those who distrusted him. Still, he detested headlines about missing votes.
Trump was tucking away his 1-wood when he heard his cell phone buzzing. He had ordered his secretary not to forward any calls, with two exceptions: his attorney negotiating with Manhattan County, New York, prosecutor Alvin Bragg or US Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, D-NY, the godfather of New York Democratic politics.
“Lindsey, wait!” Trump said as the Palmetto State’s senior senator had already placed his golf ball on the tee and was taking practice swings with his wood driver. “I gotta take this call.
“Lindsey!” Trump yelled again at Graham, rolling his eyes as he continued to take practice swings. “You picked the wrong club! Guess again!”
Trump grabbed the iPhone from a cup holder next to the steering wheel - Trump always insisted on driving the golf cart whenever he played. He walked away from the cart and Lindsey to avoid him overhearing the conversation. “Hello!” He bellowed into the phone, turning back to stare at Graham.
“Mr. President, I have Senator Schumer on the phone. Shall I connect him?” his long-time secretary pleasantly asked.
“Sure,” Trump said, waiting for the customary click. “Chuck! How are you? Did you talk to Alvin?” He almost whispered the question.
“Greetings, Mr. President, and indeed I did,” Schumer responded. “Just got off the phone with him. I delivered the message loud and clear. There will be no indictment today - this will continue for a few days. I’d rather he has no indictment, but this helps us both.”
“Well, that’s good Chuck,” Trump responded. I was kind of counting on an indictment on a slow Tuesday, but I’m happy to wait,” Trump said. “I don’t mind dragging this out for a few days. My poll numbers and fundraising are improving by the hour. Must be driving Meatball crazy.”
“Meatball” was one of the nicknames Trump floated for Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, The Yale and Harvard Law graduate, former Navy JAG officer for a SEAL team in Iraq and ex-Congressman. He was his strongest likely obstacle to the 2024 GOP Presidential nomination. He wasn’t entirely happy with the nickname, and the tactic was losing a little of its luster from its success with GOP primary competitors in 2016. “Little Marco (Rubio)” and “Low Energy Jeb (Bush)” were among his favorites. Sometimes, he just resorted to “loser.”
Trump knew that other primary opponents were already working up responses to his inevitable nicknames, likely to be delivered around the time of the first presidential primary debate this August in Milwaukee, also the host city for the July 2024 GOP national nominating convention.
Nicknames might not work as well this time. He knew it. He needed a new act. He asked Lindsey for ideas, but none were forthcoming. “Give it up, Mr. President,” Graham told him. “The namecalling turns off voters you need,” Graham said as they teed off on the par three third hole. Trump remembered that Graham didn’t last long during his own failed 2016 campaign for president and underperformed in his most recent Senate reelection campaign. But he enjoyed Graham’s company. He was a good sport. Graham’s views often confirmed his own contrarian instincts. And he might need Graham’s help in South Carolina’s presidential primary next year, with two popular natives likely to appear on the ballot, including junior Senator Tim Scott and former Governor and Trump’s United Nations Ambassador, Nikki Haley.
Trump was impressed with DeSantis's recent response during a Piers Morgan interview about his likely nickname. “I mean you can call me whatever you want, just as long as you also call me a winner because that's what we've been able to do in Florida,” DeSantis responded.
Not bad, Trump thought, still irked that the candidate who begged him for an endorsement in the 2018 GOP gubernatorial primary couldn’t wait to run in four years, when Trump would not only be 82 years of age but ineligible to run for another term, assuming he won in 2024.
DeSantis wouldn’t turn 45 until September, ten months younger than his eldest son, Donald Jr. He could run and succeed Trump in four years, barely 50 years age and eligible for run for a second term while still in his prime. “Ron,” Trump wanted to tell DeSantis, “between you and me, we’re three terms in office. Finish your job as Governor and begin running right away in 2026.”
Perhaps that conversation might happen. Trump knew that offering DeSantis the veep job might be out of the question under the Constitution’s 12th Amendment unless Trump again switched his official residency either to Bedminster, New Jersey, or back to Trump Tower. Two candidates from the same state might force one of the candidates to forfeit Florida’s electoral votes, and that may be a price way too high. Besides, Trump was enamored with failed Arizona GOP gubernatorial candidate and former broadcast news anchor, Kari Lake.
Trump knew he had a soft spot for media mavens like Pennsylvania’s failed US Senate candidate, Dr. Mehmet Oz, although he blamed Melania for that endorsement. He didn’t really know Oz, but oh, was Melania enamored! She never missed a his afternoon TV show, and kept a stash of “blue wine” that he endorsed. Big mistake, he admitted to himself. He overruled his gut. The Slovakian born model didn’t know much about American politics. He blamed himself, but never publicly. Lake was no Oz, Trump thought. She was a fighter. And loyal!
“Hey, Chuck, Alvin’s still going to go through with it, right? Perp walk, mug shots, handcuffs, everything, right?” Trump asked. “My mug shots are gonna be perfect. And my fundraising mail is ready to go.” And have you seen those artificial intelligence photos of me being arrested? Amazing what computers can do these days.”
“Well, Mr. President, as much as I’d know you’d love this, do you really think that’s a good look? Besides, this is not a good case. The other two cases against you are stronger,” Schumer asserted, referencing a grand jury investigation in Fulton County, Georgia, over post-election tampering and a special counsel investigation into his handling of classified documents, post-presidency, at Mar-a-Lago. “I know you’d like another legal win, but the other cases are more impressive.”
“Nah!” Trump confidently exclaimed. “Biden’s document disaster has me covered, given he was never President and never had declassification authority,” Trump emphasized. He had the point committed to memory. “As for my perfect phone call to that idiot Brad (Raffensburger, Georgia Secretary of State), I’m not worried about that either. That transcript has been out there for years, just like that perfect call with (Ukraine President Volodymyr) Zelenskyy you impeached me over,” Trump said. “How’d that work out?”
“Manhattan is the best stage. Besides, YOUR base wants me perp walking in handcuffs as much as mine!” Trump snickered.
Schumer paused. He disagreed with the degree of Trump’s legal jeopardy but couldn’t disagree with his politics.
“Well, Mr. President, you’re not wrong about Democrats wanting to see you in handcuffs,” Schumer laughed. “We’re also not sad to see you become the GOP presidential nominee next year.”
“Yeah, I know,” Trump added. “You think I’m the only person Biden can beat. We’ll see about that. But I appreciate the help for the nomination,” Trump added. “Alvin is sucking all the air out of the room this week. You know how much I love THAT.”
“Hey, Mr. President, tell Chuck that I said hello!” a nervous Graham yelled from the tee, having walked over to the golf cart to exchange his driver for a three iron, as Trump leaned on his while chatting with Schumer a few yards away.
“Wait, was that Lindsey?” Schumer nervously asked, recognizing the distinctive, sing-songy southern accent. “I don’t need him to know I’m talking to Alvin.”
“Don’t worry about that,” Trump assured him, turning his back to Lindsey as he walked under a nearby tree. “He’s been too busy deciding between a 1-wood and driving iron and taking practice swings. We’re on the sixth tee. Come down here and play sometime. You’re always welcome,” Trump added. “Better yet, come to Bedminster (New Jersey) this summer. It’s closer to home for you. We can start cutting some early deals, even if you’re likely to be minority leader again after I’m elected.
“One more thing. Are you really going to let Biden skate to the nomination?” Trump asked incredulously. “I mean, are you watching and listening to him? He can’t even read a teleprompter! Your bench is weak! Low energy! You’re making this easy for me!” Trump added.
“Well, we have a veep problem,” Schumer said. “Biden did fine in 2020; he’ll do fine again.”
Trump laughed. “He can campaign from his garage with his Corvette and classified papers, just don’t let him drive,” Trump added. “Maybe he can pluck (Michael) Avenatti from jail as his running mate, unless he joins him there, first.
You can make fun of my legal issues all you want, but I don’t have a grifting son or a pair of grifting brothers cutting deals with CHY-NA,” Trump emphasized. “My sons made their money fair and square before I got into politics. So did I. You should visit Trump winery in Virginia, run by my son, Eric. Largest in the state! Got it for a steal! And I don’t even drink!”
“Well, Mr. President, you forget who controls the Department of Justice,” Schumer said.
“Well, Chuck, not even your pal Merrick what’s-his-name can sit on investigations with Republicans and their subpoena power in the House. Even your friends in the media are taking notice,” Trump said. “Even your pals at USA Today are writing stories about Chinese money payments to a bunch of Biden family members.
“Not a good look, Chuck!” Trump almost yelled. “The walls are closing in! I can hear Kamala’s cackle now as she takes the oath of office! I’d LOVE to run against her!”
Pause.
Trump glanced over his shoulder at Lindsey Graham, who was nervously pacing. “Look, Lindsey’s going nuts, Chuck,” Trump segued. “He’s gotta plane to catch so he doesn’t miss any votes. Hold ‘em off, would you? He’d do the same for you.”
“No worries, Mr. President,” Schumer laughed. “Tell Lindsey to enjoy his game with you and not worry about missing any votes. Tell him to drop by and see me when he’s back at the Capitol.”
“That’s great Chuck. One more thing - tell Alvin to order a big set of handcuffs. I have big hands,” Trump finished.
Both hang up.
“Lindsey!” Trump yelled, as he strolled towards the tee with his driving iron in one hand and tossing his cell phone with the other onto the driver’s seat of the golf cart. “Fore! What are you waiting for?”