Kamala Calls Barack

Satire alert. And no, Democrats, this is not an instruction manual

Our trusty NSA wiretapping expert and source has come through again with another telephone call transcript. Satire and “conspiracy theory” alert. You’ve been warned.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Barack Obama slouched on the leather couch in his tony Kalorama home in northwest Washington, DC, irritated at being interrupted while watching a replay of the NBA championship finals game. Holding his beer in his right hand and eyeballing a fresh, hot, steaming bowl of popcorn on the dark marble table in front of him, he reached with his left hand for the remote, hit the pause button, loudly dropped the remote on the end table, and angrily punched the intercom button on his landline with his left middle finger as if to send a message.

“YES,” he barked into the speakerphone while sipping from his lager.

“Mr. President, the Vice President is on the phone. Shall I put her through?”

“Was this scheduled?” Obama abruptly asked.

“No, Mr. President.”

Obama glanced at his watch and sighed into the phone. It was 4:31 p.m. on a Sunday. He already knew that Joe Biden had just oddly announced his withdrawal from the 2024 presidential race hours before. The 44th President had also issued his statement of support. He’d already consumed a couple of beers, and it irked him that all this was being played out on X, formerly Twitter, now owned and run by Elon Musk, whom he despised.

Musk had lobbied Obama for tax credits for electric vehicles, and Biden’s EPA had recently issued new “tailpipe” mandates that would drive people into 4,000-pound non-recyclable toxic waste dumps. Still, Musk was now on board the Trump Train. Some payback, Obama thought.

“Why the hell is she calling me now?” Obama muttered before telling his assistant, “Go ahead, put her through.” He sighed again.

Obama picks up the receiver on his landline. “Kamala! New world! Are you ready for this?”

“Mr. President, how nice to hear your voice. Yes, these are interesting times! How are you and Michelle? And Sasha and Malia?” Harris asked.

“Yeah, they’re good when they’re not calling to ask for money,” Obama responded, returning his basketball game to mute, stocking feet up on his coffee table. “They’ve flown the coop long ago, but I still get to pay their credit card and phone bills. Michelle says hello, even though she’s in Chicago right now. She wants nothing to do with Washington and wonders why we’re still here. Otherwise, all good.”

“Indeed, Mr. President,” Harris stiffly responded. “I’m calling for two reasons. First, to better understand the statement you put out after Joe’s announcement, and second, to ask for your support to replace Joe as the Democratic nominee.

“I also want your advice on a running mate, but I also have one very big ask,” Kamala said.

Pause.

“Fine, Kamala, but I’m concerned about how all this looks. You know that Michelle and I will eventually be behind you one thousand percent. But after attacking Trump for being an attack on our democracy, dumping Joe like this doesn’t look very ‘democratic.’ It looks like a damn coup,” Obama blurted. “Joe could have handled this differently, but at least his timing was good for a change, and he finally made the right decision. It took attention away from that damn Republican convention.

“Gotta give credit to (former House Speaker) Nancy (Pelosi). She knew exactly how to orchestrate this,” Obama concluded.

“Yes, Mr. President, I agree. Thanks for all you did behind the scenes to help Joe realize the situation,” Harris added, buttering up Obama for what was to come.

“I deserve zero credit,” Obama blurted, holding up the “OK” sign that he was immediately grateful no one saw. “Joe has resented me since I asked him to step aside for Hillary in 2016. If I’d known what kind of disastrous campaign she would run against Trump, I might have done differently, but no matter. It’s history now. I get why he’s upset with me, aside from that quote of mine going public about how no one should underestimate how much he can f**k things up.”

Kamala cackled as Obama smiled as he reached and sipped his beer.

“Mr. President, your time is valuable. I’ll get to the point.” Kamala segued.
“I have to contact a couple of thousand convention delegates. I need you to endorse me, and I want you on my team.”

“Kamala, I’m on your team, no worries, it’s just a matter of you nailing down most of the convention delegates,” Obama responded, sipping his beer. “I’ll campaign with you and fundraise for you, and Michelle will do what she can, even as she hates politics.

“She’s just grateful that she doesn’t have to be a part of this process,” Obama concluded, reaching for another sip from his lager, looking back and waving to his personal bartender for another. “Just don’t ask her to be your running mate.”

Pause.

“Mr. President, when I said I wanted you on my team, I meant it.”

Pause.

“I want you to be my running mate.”

Pause.

Obama nearly spit out his beer, slowly placing his pint beside the popcorn and pausing the basketball game as he sat up. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Uh, Kamala, have you read the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution?” Obama asked. “The Vice President has to be qualified to be President. I've been elected twice already, I’m not qualified,” Obama responded.

“Barack, listen to me. I know this already. Constitutional scholars disagree. And besides, we’re talking about winning, not serving,” Harris responded, pausing briefly. “Anyone can run under the Constitution. The question is, can you serve? The answer is, you don’t have to.”

Pause.

“I’m listening,” Obama responded.

“Barack, this is all about stopping Trump from, as you might say, f-ing things up for the next four years and wiping away not just Joe’s but your legacy as well,” Harris added. “If you run with me, with your popularity and legacy, you will help us win the states we need - especially Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania, but other states as well.”

“Let me stop you,” Obama said, almost shouting. “That’s not a response to my 22nd Amendment concerns. It’s not just that I can’t serve, but I won’t qualify - we won’t qualify - for many state ballots,” Obama opined. “Colorado and many other states say that if you don’t qualify to serve, you don’t qualify for the ballot.”

Kamala was ready. “We’ve already talked to the Democratic Secretaries of States in the states we need, especially Pennsylvania, which has a Democratic State Supreme Court.” Harris quickly added. “The skids are greased. We'll tie up the ones we don’t have in courts and get injunctions that keep us on the ballot. And where necessary, we’ll launch grassroots and write-in campaigns to get us on the ballot. Mark Elias and his legal team are all over this.

“You know that we don’t need a majority of the states; we need 22 states, including California, New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and a few others to get us to 270,” Harris added. “California, New York, Pennsylvania, Illinois, and New Jersey alone are worth almost half that.

“Barack, here’s the kicker. You get us over the top on November 5th, you don’t have to serve. There’s no law preventing you from running. Only one that may prevent you from serving,” Harris emphasized.

Silence.

“If I hear you,” Obama slowly added, “I can be ruled ineligible and create a vacancy if you win. Hopefully, you will fill one with a Democratic Congress, however slim those margins may be.”

“EXACTLY!” Harris yelled, dropping her fist on her desk. “If we win, which we will with you on the ticket, we’re likely to keep the US Senate and even win the House. Which means we can nominate almost anyone we want to help us finish the job of transforming the United States of America,” Harris emphasized.

The wheels in Obama’s head were spinning now. He knew what this meant. Four months of campaign hell - that Michelle would hate - but keeping Donald Trump from winning the White House, and possibly keeping the Senate and winning the US House. A trifecta that few believe is possible now. His presence on the ticket would change that instantly.

He sat up, his chest expanding as he breathed it all in. His ego soared as he finished the last drops of his beer. The bartender quietly exchanged Obama’s empty pint for a new one, placing it on the coaster next to the popcorn.

He could alter the course of history. At least one more time. Even if he didn’t serve a day as vice president. He liked that. He reached for a handful of popcorn.

“Kamala, who else have you talked about this?” Obama asked.

“No one. This is my idea. I know there’s a lot of right-wing fever swamps suggesting that, but I’ve spoken with no one.”

“Keep it that way and let me stew about it,” Obama said. “I’ll have to talk to Michelle, who won’t like it, especially since some yahoo might take a shot at me on the campaign trail, but I’m warming to the idea. The element of surprise is essential.

“How much time do I have?”

“As much time as you need, but I’d like an answer by July 31st. That gives me time to lock up a majority of the 4,000 delegates and arrange a conference call with delegates to secure the nomination. I’ll need a veep nominee by then. I’m sure you understand,” Harris calmly said.

“I hear you. We’ll need an excellent legal team to fight back on the 22nd Amendment issue, but I do know that scholars disagree. We’ll need to confuse people and create doubt. That should be enough to throw things into the courts past the election.

“And Michelle will love that I won’t serve, regardless. Who might you pick if this all plays out?” Obama asked. “I’m happy to offer a few suggestions.”

“I don’t know,” Harris responded. “A fellow progressive who shares our agenda would be where I’d look, someone like Gretchen Whitmer (Governor of Michigan) or like Goodwin Liu, the progressive Asian American on the California Supreme Court. California is in play since there are no electoral college votes to worry about,” Harris added. “At least until 2028. I’d rather not pick a white male.”

“Goodwin would be a great Supreme Court Justice,” Obama added, “especially since his nomination to the federal bench was filibustered by Republicans,” Obama sneered. “The arc of history bends towards justice. Your options would be broad and bold, from Jared Polis, Pete Buttigieg, Gretchen, and others who might not help you win but would be great understudies. Maybe even progressive governors like Phil Murphy (NJ) or Wes Moore (MD). Maybe someone from Congress.

“Your choices are endless.”

“Maybe even Stacey Abrams,” Harris piped in. “Heart be still!”

Pause.

“I’m warming up to this,” Obama said.

“I’m so delighted that you’ll think about it. Your being on the ticket is a difference-maker. Together we will win. And by the way, I’d love to have you serve with me, but know the reality of that is small,” Harris added.

“Yes, and I have no desire to live at the vice president’s house at the Naval Observatory,” Obama laughed. “Been there, and Michelle would hate it. But I get your strategy and am interested, so long as I don’t have to play second fiddle.

“I’ll get back to you. Now, go call some delegates. You need to lock this up.”

“Yes, Mr. President,” Harris saluted. “On it.”

Call ends.