Joe and Hunter Talk About Trump Indictment
Our NSA source comes through once again with a blockbuster transcript of a phone call between President Biden and his son, Hunter. Satire warning.
Ring. Ring.
“What the hell is that!” Joe Biden exclaimed as he tried to find the source of the ringing noise from somewhere near his Oval Office desk.
“Sir, it’s your personal mobile phone,” his secretary turned and answered from her desk outside an open door. “One of your family members is calling. Would you like me to divert the call to a secure landline?
“Can’t be Jill,” Biden mumbled, fumbling through his briefcase that she always packed for him in the second-floor residence quarters before he shuffled down to the Oval Office around 11 a.m. He’d just arrived.
Ring. Ring.
“Damn, I can’t find it!” Biden exclaimed. “Tell me what button to push on this damn phone!”
“Got it, Mr. President,” as the secretary diverted the call to a blinking line 5. Biden jammed the button before his assistant could do it for him.
“Who is this!” ‘Biden bellowed. “Hunter! Is that you?”
“Hi, Dad,” Hunter responded.
“Great to hear from you! Been a few days! Where are you?” Biden asked his son.
“I’m at the compound in Wilmington, where I’ve always been. I’ve just been working with my lawyers on the FBI investigation I’m not allowed to talk to you about,” Hunter said.
“Oh, right,” the President sheepishly acknowledged. “Best to keep me out of that. But don’t worry about it! The Delaware US attorney is one of us - he would never have been nominated or confirmed otherwise - (US Sen Chris) Coons (D-DE) took care of that. You’ve got nothing to worry about.
“How are you? What’s on your mind? How’s my Corvette?”
“I’m doing okay, Dad, the car’s in great shape, but I want to discuss this Trump indictment.”
“What the hell!” the President responded. “Don’t worry about that. This guarantees Trump will be the GOP nominee against us while all the attention is focused on his legal battles. This is the plan! No one is above the law!”
Silence.
“Well, you know what I mean,” Biden added. “Nobody is focusing on you or me while Trump’s legal troubles suck all the wind out of the room. Don’t worry about it.”
“Dad, what worries me is what happens when you’re out of office,” Hunter said. “Prosecuting an ex-president breaks new ground. You may not be around forever, but a few of us might be the targets of future Republican prosecutors. All they’ll need to do is check my FBI file, start paying attention to (Tony) Bobulinski, and man, rough seas ahead!” Hunter, who briefly served in the Navy, exclaimed.
“Son, son,” Biden lowered his voice to his trademark whisper. “I got this. Before I leave office, I’ve got powers, vaguely referencing presidential pardon authority. Don’t worry about it!
“Jim and Frank are worried about this, too,” Hunter added, referring to the President’s brothers who had long grifted off the President’s political career.
“Dammit!” Biden almost yelled, “I talked to Jim about the Silicon Valley Bank thing, and he didn’t mention a thing about Trump or his indictment.”
“Dad, that all happened before Alvin Bragg went crazy with his non-indictment,” Hunter added. “Did you read it? It’s a litany of 34 installment payments made to Michael Cohen without any reference to any crime. It’s a joke! And it sets the stage for Republican retribution after we leave office,” Hunter almost yelled back at his father.
“I’m not talking about the Trump indictment,” the President added. “He has plenty of other legal troubles in Atlanta and with all his classified documents.”
Silence.
“Dad,” Hunter whispered. “I know what was in the garage beside the Corvette. And you’ve spread around more classified documents in DC - China town for God’s sake - than Lo Mein,” he added.
“Do you realize how pissed the Chinese are over being dragged into our - I’m sorry, my - legal battles?” Hunter asked.
“Son, son,” Biden tried to assure his surviving son. The former Delaware Attorney General Beau Biden died of a brain tumor in 2015. “Remember who’s in charge around here, who runs the Department of Justice, who runs the FBI,” Biden scolded his son. “How do you think Hillary got off from erasing classified emails from her private computer and was never charged for it?” Biden asked.
“Yes, I know,” Hunter sighed. “I’m also very aware that Trump has been charged for the very things Hillary got off for, especially her campaign’s installment payments to her lawyers for that phony Russian collusion hoax dossier,” Hunter responded.
“Enough of that talk!” Biden yelled. “Hillary was innocent! Trump had a chance to go after her, and he declined! And the dossier worked! Trump was tied up with the Mueller investigation for months!
Silence.
“Dad, just hear me out,” Hunter begged his father. “This Alvin Bragg indictment, if I can call it that, is a huge mistake. It’s going to come back to bite us. If I were you, I’d get (Senate Majority Leader Charles) Schumer to back him off. This is a really, really bad precedent.”
“Hunter!” the President exclaimed, “Too late for that! Besides, don’t worry about it! I’ve got you covered. And I’ll be around for another four years to protect you. And when we get this Ukraine situation worked out, maybe you can return to Burisma’s board,” referring to the Ukrainian gas utility that paid Hunter an estimated $83,000 per month to serve as a director when Biden was Vice President.
“Okay, Dad, but I’m really worried. And remember, the Jimmy Carter campaign really wanted Ronald Reagan as their opponent in 1980. We saw how that worked out,” Hunter added. “Trump back in the White House scares the hell out of me.”
“It scares a lot of other people, too, son, so don’t worry about it,” Biden kept assuring Hunter, to no avail.
“Okay, Dad,” Hunter sighed. “I just hope you have a food taster.”
The President laughed, spotting Vice President Kamala Harris outside his office. “Gotta go. President Harris is here. You be safe.”
Both hang up.