Near midnight on December 16, 1773, American colonists dressed as Mohawk Indians boarded three British cargo ships. They dumped 342 chests containing tea owned by the struggling East Indian Tea Company into Boston Harbour. It became known as “The Boston Tea Party” and generated the venerable battle cry, “no taxation without representation.” Parliament earlier enacted the Tea Act, giving tea exporters a practical monopoly and undercutting competitors by selectively reducing its “tea tax.”
Parliament didn’t well receive news of “the party.” The rest, as they say, is history.
In honor of presentism, here is the news story that might be written today over the historical incident. Satire warning. While none of the individuals named here are fictitious, any resemblance to other people or events, past or present, is purely coincidental.
Insurrectionists, Racists Destroy Private Property, Pollute Boston Harbor
Parliament Closes Harbor, Will Impose Military Occupation
By Kelly Johnston
December 16, 2022
A group of men calling themselves “The Boston Boys,” culturally misappropriating as a local native American tribe armed with axes, illegally boarded three merchant ships at midnight and destroyed an estimated 342 crates containing tea in Boston Harbor.
“This illegal, destructive, violent, and racist insurrection will not be tolerated,” trumpeted Governor Thomas Hutchinson. “I will cooperate with Parliament and facilitate the imposition of troops. The harbor is closed. We must prevent a possible future insurrection. Justice will be rendered.”
Hutchinson said environmental clean-up is already underway, and ecological damage assessments have begun.
No casualties were reported. East India Tea Company officials continued assessing the damage, which they estimated would exceed $600,000. Damage to their three ships - the Dartmouth, the Eleanor, and the Beaver - were minimal. Officials confirmed the ships were unguarded at the time of the insurrection.
Hutchinson also ordered colonial mental health counselors to immediately open a treatment center for Mohawk tribal members upset over cultural misappropriation by the Boston Boys as destructive and violent marauders.
“We are horrified over this violent and racist insurrection,” exclaimed Mohawk tribal chief Joseph Brant. “We are a proud and peaceful tribe and are repulsed at the cultural appropriation made by these armed criminals. We demand justice.”
Hutchinson earlier refused demands by Samuel Adams, a local tavern owner, on behalf of a local right-wing extremist organization, “Sons of Liberty,” to order the return of ships. Adams and his organization opposed Parliament’s “Tea Act,” which lowered the tea tax to facilitate monopoly control over the regional tea trade.
Many believe that lowering the tea tax for British East India tea interfered with a smuggling operation by Adams, Sons of Liberty, and Dutch exporters. Several years ago, Parliament imposed a wide range of taxes on items, including paper and tea, to recoup costs from defending the American continent from France. Many of those taxes have been repealed.
Adams was not available for comment, but a spokesperson for the Boston Boys, who asked for anonymity, defended the violent raid. “No taxation without representation,” he said, noting that the colony is unrepresented in Parliament. “Giving the East India Company a monopoly will send tea prices through the roof,” he added.
Meanwhile, a spokesman for Lord Frederick North (Tory-Banbury), Britain’s Prime Minister, said Parliament would act quickly to enact the Coercive Acts to close the Harbor indefinitely, impose military order, and require residents to harbor British troops.
John Adams, a prominent local attorney and cousin of Samuel Adams, said the incident was avoidable and called on Parliament to grant representation to colonials in Parliament immediately. "This is a mess of Parliament’s own making, and only Parliament can unmake it,” Adams said. “They will invite worse if they insist on imposing the Intolerable (Coercive) Act,” he asserted. “Much worse.”