Housing for . . . ?

Fly to Mexico, speak Spanish, make yourself an undocumented alien. Presto, $150,000 in down payment help from the People's Republic of California. Satire Alert.

This is satire, and you should know the definition: “Satire explores the truths that few admit but all know, using a double-meaning title and what's known in literature as an “unreliable voice” without making its points against innocent others.”

This is satire. You are forewarned. Don’t complain to Facebook.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

The retired father broke away from his computer early one morning to fumble for his cell phone, with its familiar ring of Pharrell Williams’ “Happy” for family members. One of his children was calling. Peering at his phone, he saw it was from his eldest son.

“Son! Good morning, great to hear from you. What’s up?”

“Hi, Dad, I just wanted to inform you that I’m headed to Mexico.”

Pause.

“Umm, are you being sent there as part of your job?,” Dad asks. “Surely you’re not being deployed by the National Guard, since the Biden-Harris folks seem to love the drug and people-smuggling cartels and would never interfere with their work."

His son chuckles. “No, Dad, I have another mission.”

“Tell me about it.”

Pause.

“I’m going to become an illegal alien. And I’m going to buy a house in California.”

Pause.

“Umm, this is news. Why? How? You’re not only an American citizen. You’re a combat-deployed veteran. You’re in the National Guard. You don’t look very foreign. And besides, don’t you qualify for VA (Veterans Administration) benefits? You don’t even speak a foreign language. What the hell are you talking about? Is this a joke?”

“No, Dad. You know my wife and I have been looking for an affordable home. We can’t afford a home in northern Virginia. I appreciate your offer to assist with a down payment, but California has you beat. Not just with more money than you’ve offered, but the weather!” Although I must be creative, I can still get the VA loan with California’s down payment.”

Pause.

“Okay, I’m still working on my first cup of coffee, and the sun is barely up, but what the hell are you talking about?”

“Well, Dad, have you read about the new legislation passing through California’s legislature? If Governor (Gavin) Newsom signs it, it will provide $150,000 for a down payment for a house! But only if I’m an ‘undocumented alien,’ wink wink.”

Pause

“Have you checked the housing price in California lately,” Dad asked. “And have you checked the taxes? My god, the income taxes alone make California unlivable. And people are fleeing the state in droves! Over 400,000 people have fled the state since the last census! You might ask what they know that you don’t. And your Congressman will be a nutty progressive!

“Dad, we’ve got a home scoped out in the Eureka area. Really nice weather, great prices, and as you know, I work remotely. I can do my job from anywhere,” the son says as Dad quickly checks out Eureka real estate on his computer.

“Dad, I can buy a nice house near the ocean with great year-round weather for under $500,000, with California’s help, and maybe yours!

“You mean the California taxpayers’ help?”

“Yeah, but if it’s there, why not take it? I have to prove I’m an illegal alien.”

Pause.

“I’m not sure I want to hear this, and I’m certainly not sure it will work. After all, your name has Scots-Irish-English origins.”

“DOESN’T MATTER,” the son extols, practically yelling. “And I don’t need the cartels. I need a flight to El Paso, which I know from my days at Fort Bliss. I’ll cross the border, hitch a ride to Puerto Fonterizo Jeronimo Santa-Theresa in New Mexico, discard my ID, and cross over. I’ll have a mustache, and my tan is perfect right now.

“They’ll give me goodies to subsist while my family flies to Sacramento, stays with family, and I get a complimentary flight to California at Joe Biden’s and Kamala Harris’s expense.”

“Umm, that would be my expense; you’re welcome. What name would you use? Besides, you don’t know the power of the cartels. They control the entire US-Mexico border. Are you prepared to confront them?”

“Oh, I’ll pick a name out from mom’s side of the family since she’s from Mexico. It won’t matter. I’ve learned enough Spanish to get me by. Dad, you know me - I got this.”

“I dunno, this raises all sorts of red flags with me. It’s unethical, and it reeks. Why can’t you buy a house in the old-fashioned way? We’re offering to help you.”

“And thanks, Dad, you still can! With California’s help, plus yours, we’re going to get a great house in a market where prices are dropping like rocks! Now is the time to buy in California!”

“Are you sure you want to live there? What do you know about Eureka?”

“Yes, DAD, I know the homeless situation there is bad. But after Kamala Harris is elected, it will be bad EVERYWHERE. It won’t matter. And I’d better take advantage of the money before it runs out.”

“Well, that’s one way to look at it. Then what?”

“What do you mean?” the son asks.

“Well, what will happen to your - and my - investment in your new home? Will its value increase or drop? And what about the quality of schools for your children or the crime rate? Have you checked the price and delivery of energy to your prospective home? Brownouts are legion in California, not to mention the wildfires from their horrific forest management practices. Are you sure you want to do this?” Dad asked.

Pause.

“Dad, it’s $125,000 in free money.”

“Son, nothing comes for free. Everything comes at a price. Remember what Thomas Sowell said? There are no solutions, only trade-offs. Ponder that.”

Pause.