EXCLUSIVE: Transcript of Biden-Putin Call from Air Force One
Our single anonymous source provides the transcript of a blockbuster call between President Biden and Vladimir Putin. Satire Warning.
Ring. Ring.
“Da?” asked the Russian President as he abruptly grabbed the red phone at his Kremlin desk as dawn broke early on Monday morning.
“Vlad, it’s you’re old friend, Joe Biden. How are you?” (Putin waits for translation)
“Greetings, Mr. President. I am quite well. I’ve already engaged in morning judo and enjoyed my first three cups of tea. I’m full of, what you say, vim and vigor. My defense minister and I were talking about how well things are going for us in Ukraine,” Putin responded through his and Biden’s interpreters.
“I hear your army is having a tough time,” Biden responded.
“At least Russians know what their pronouns are,” Putin snapped. “We spend rubles on bullets and bombs, not gender reassignment surgeries.”
“That’s why I’m calling, very confidentially. It’s about Ukraine,” Biden said. “I’m actually on Air Force One as I’m making this call. No transcript. I’m giving you a heads-up. You already know I’m on my way to Poland, but I’m making a quick trip to Kyiv to make a surprise visit to Zelenskyy.
“I don’t want you to shoot at me while I’m trekking over to visit with Volodymyr,” Biden asked. “Might start a war if you did. I didn’t want you to be surprised.”
“I’m happy to accommodate you,” Putin said. “You’re more valuable to me alive than dead. I wouldn’t be in Ukraine if it weren’t for you and Afghanistan,” Putin smirked. “Your first anniversary with the Nazi. May I give you some political advice?”
Biden chuckled. “Sure, why not?”
“When you leave that Nazi’s hovel for a walk around downtown Kyiv, ensure the air raid sirens are blaring. It will be fake, of course, but it will look as if you’re being brave in the face of danger. Your media will swoon,” Putin offered. “Good material for future campaign commercials. I’m sure the Nazi comic has already thought of it.
“Besides, I’d hate to have to deal with your Vice President,” Putin added. “My translators and I don’t understand a thing she says. And that cackle of hers. . .” he added, shaking his head as his voice faded in the horror of imagining a meeting with Kamala Harris.
“Oh,” Putin interrupted himself,” don’t do what Hillary did in Bosnia while she was First Lady - cover your head, run, and yell ‘incoming!’”
“I don’t think Hillary did that,” Biden ventured.
“I’m happy to direct our drones, airplanes, and bombs elsewhere,” Putin promised. “I have plenty of targets. I presume you’re planning to give that Nazi more of your military equipment, nyet?” Putin asked. “Unwise of you. You and NATO provoked this conflict, my friend. Remember that I have nuclear weapons,” he reminded Biden, who heard rattling noises over the phone. “More than you. And you’re disarming yourself to support your Nazi friend.”
“Oh, I know,” Biden said. “But don’t worry, just more of the same equipment: no planes or stuff like that. Just giving them things to defend themselves,” Biden promised. “Zelenskyy is never happy enough with the things we give him.”
“There is no happiness in life. There’s only a mirage on the horizon, so he should cherish that,” Putin said, repeating something he said after the last time he met Biden in person, in 2021.
“Maybe you should stop,” Putin suggested. “You know that my victory is inevitable. All you are doing is delaying the inevitable.”
“Can’t stop now,” Biden said. “It would look weak and invite aggression elsewhere, especially from our mutual friend, Xi,” he added.
“Kind of like Afghanistan, nyet?” Putin smirked again. “I believe you have an old saying, ‘that ship has sailed.’ Besides, Xi is more my friend than yours.
“By the way,” Putin added, “My condolences to your people in Ohio.”
Biden paused. “Where?" he asked.
“I believe it is called East Palesteen,” Putin noted, emphasizing the correct pronunciation of the small town of about 5,000 residents in southeast Ohio. “I am surprised you are visiting Ukraine before traveling to meet with the unfortunate victims of that train disaster in your own country.”
“Mayor Pete is all over it,” Biden forcefully emphasized, referring to Secretary of Transporation Pete Buttigieg. “He told me of the many disasters during his eight years as a mayor,” Biden added. “Pete says we have rail accidents all the time. No biggie, but thanks for the kind words.”
“I’m impressed that you know so much about America,” Biden mused.
Putin chuckled. “I know more about America than you have forgotten. And I agree that your Mayor Pete is intimately familiar with disaster. Perhaps your predecessor will comfort them when he arrives,” referencing former President Donald Trump’s announced plans to visit Columbiana County, Ohio, on Wednesday.
“Thank you for alerting me of your trip to Kyiv,” Putin quickly added. “I will now return the favor. Our friend Xi is visiting me this Spring when we celebrate our most recent victory celebration over the Nazis. We will discuss how to resolve the Ukraine situation. We will announce that in a few days.”
“I appreciate that,” Biden said, unsure how to respond to Putin’s news. “I’m off to take a nap now. It’s a long flight to Poland. It’s early for you, but way past my bedtime.”
“Good,” Putin responded. “I don’t want to be late for the funeral of Mikhail Ovechkin, father of the best player in your National Hockey League,” Putin added. “ Surely you know Alexander. You should be here for that.”
Silence.
“Speaking of nuclear weapons, I may also have another announcement very soon,” Putin added. “Is your son, Hunter, traveling with you? Maybe he can pick up his latest paycheck while you’re in Kyiv,” he chided. “I hope it doesn’t, how you say, bounce. Speaking of mayors, tell Hunter that Elena Baturina says hello.
“Safe travels, big guy,” Putin concluded.
Both hang up.