Biden, Xi, a Balloon, and Prairie Dogs
Satire warning
Ring. Ring.
Xi: “Hello?”
Biden: “Xi, old friend, Joe here.”
(wait for translation)
Xi: “Who?”
Biden: “Come on, man, your friend, Joe Biden.”
Xi: “Oh, Mr. President, greetings. I was told you might call. To what do I owe this honor?”
Biden: “It’s about this balloon of yours that entered our airspace. We tried to keep it quiet after it reached Alaska. But dammit, a bunch of Montana farmers saw the sun’s reflection on that big white thing, even at 60,000 feet. It’s created a big problem for me.
Xi: “Yes, I noticed; perhaps it is why they call your Montana ‘Big Sky Country.’ But I had nothing to do with it. It must be a weather balloon that blew off course. We like to study the Arctic, too.”
Biden: “Yes, that’s what your people are saying, but nobody here is buying it. My people tell me that’s no weather balloon. I’ve got to do something.”
Xi: “Are you sure it belongs to us? I had nothing to do with it. Maybe Vladimir sent it.”
Biden: “You think? It is something he might do. I know it has to fly over Russian airspace to get here, but you gotta admit that it came from your country. Then again, we’ve had such success getting the media to blame Putin for everything that happens here. Maybe I should try that.”
Xi: “Just so you know, my friend, I knew nothing about it. I would appreciate it if you let us try to steer it back to Canada. Justin (Trudeau) will never notice or care. I don’t think much of him, anyway.”
Biden: “Well, we have this joint arrangement with Canada called NORAD, our North American Air Defense Command. Hell, they even track Santa Claus. So, yeah, anything that flies over Canada involves us, too. Any other suggestions?”
Xi: “What are your advisors telling you, my dear old friend?”
Biden: “Well, it violates our airspace and our sovereignty. You know those extreme MAGA Republicans, they are demanding that I shoot it down.”
Xi: “That would be most unfortunate. Our weather balloons are expensive and benefit the World Economic Forum and World Health Organization, among other close mutual friends you and I enjoy.”
Biden: “What would you do if you were in my shoes.”
Xi: “If I were in your shoes, I would think about all the millions of dollars we sent to the University of Pennsylvania, where you had your professorship and think tank. I would think about my son and all his relationships with all his friends in China, from whom he has profited quite nicely. I would think about our long and trusted friendship, about which I brag often.”
Biden: “You know we must cancel Blinken’s trip to meet with your diplomats tomorrow.”
Xi: “Who? Oh, yes, your Secretary of State. That is unfortunate and an overreaction.”
Biden: “I got a question. Did you ever send those balloons over the United States when Trump was President?”
Xi: “(Laughter) That is a joke, right? I would have been quite foolish to do so, but balloons are hard to control, and it is possible we tried - cough cough - excuse me, tried to keep it away from your coasts in the past. I had nothing to do with this weather balloon veering off course.”
Biden: “Wait, you didn’t order this balloon over the US?
Xi: “Of course not. I have a nation of 1.2 billion people to run. I don’t concern myself with weather balloons.”
Biden: “Well, old friend, I may have to shoot it down.”
Xi: “That would be an unwarranted provocation. It might also cause great civilian damage.”
Biden: “Not a lot of people live in eastern Montana. There are counties there with fewer people than prairie dogs.”
Xi: “Then think of those poor prairie dogs. Your John Kerry is always preaching to me to think of the environment and, of course, the weather. Think of yours. Don’t you also have a lot of cows in Montana? Isn’t your Senator Tester also up for reelection next year? Think of him.”
Biden: “Good point. Are you sure you’re not spying on us? My staff drew me this nice map of the balloon’s trajectory, which takes it over several of our strategic air bases, missile silos, a nuclear research facility in Tennessee, and submarine bases off the coast of South Carolina.”
Xi: “We know all about those. Why would I send a slow-moving, unarmed balloon to secure higher-resolution photos of those facilities, to track movements, and whatever? However, I can tell you much about the United States weather.”
Biden: “Well, that’s nice to know, but I gotta shoot it down. I’m supposed to announce my reelection campaign this month, and dammit, I’ve got a big speech before Congress on Tuesday night. This steps all over it. But we’ll wait until it is over the Atlantic. We’ll recover the parts for you. We’ll keep what we find nice and quiet.
Xi: “Shooting it down would be needlessly provocative. But it is somewhat considerate of you for allowing it to complete its - I mean, float over water so innocent civilians, cows, and prairie dogs are not harmed.”
Biden: “Okay, I didn’t want you to be surprised. You know the Chair of our Joint Chiefs of Staff, General, oh yeah, Milley. I know he’s already called the head of your military about this.”
Xi: “Yes, I am aware of his call. They are such great friends. I appreciate his apologies.”
Biden: “Thanks old friend, I gotta get back to my big speech. Let’s keep this little conversation quiet. No transcriptions on our end. We’ll talk again soon, and Blinken will reschedule his trip once this settles down. Can’t let something like this get in the way of our relationship.”
Xi: “Agree, old friend. Very best wishes for a successful launch of your political campaign. I will look forward to your Tik Tok videos.
Xi: “Say hi to Hunter for me. Goodbye.”
Hangs up phone
Great piece and likely closer to the truth than not!